EckerNet.Com

By viewing this website you have agreed to the following:

1. You have entered into an agreement between you (herein referred to as \”You\”) and this website (herein referred to as \”This Website\”), and that agreement (herein referred to as \”That Agreement\”) requires you to allow the owner of the site to possess your soul until such time as it passes it\’s expiration date.
2. You view this website at your own risk and at the risk of Ryan Thompson of 1523 West Chester Lane, Canton, Ohio, 44720. The reasons are rather complex and involved a certain rare breed of South American gerbils, so don\’t ask.
3. EckerNet.Com is not responsible for acts of god, except for you atheists. However, since atheists don\’t believe in a god no acts of god exist. In the end it really works out swell.
4. New cookware will be provided to some users of this website, which is paid for by other users of this website. Which really in the end works out pretty well.
5. You understand that no animals, smurfs, midgets or other oddities were harmed in the production of this website. Except for one homeless wombat, which was an accident and he\’s currently being very well cared for by a little lady down the street. So really no harm done.
6. When using our chat area, you will refrain from using profane or offensive language, particularly since we have no chat area, so chances are, you\’re just sitting at your desk, mumbling swear words.
7. Should blindness, carpal tunnel syndrome, hairy palms or dehydration result, you will either stop viewing this website or stop masturbating. And really if you are doing both, you frighten me and please don\’t ever come back!
8. You agree to indemnify, defend, and hold harmless eckernet.com from any and all liability, penalties, losses, damages, costs, expenses, attorneys\’ fees, causes of action or claims caused by or resulting from the fact that you will probably waste countless time here at this website. This includes the fact that as you become an Internet-Drone you will neglect your family, become overweight and loose touch with reality….um, you haven\’t checked your email for about 2 minutes now.
9. Any winning lottery tickets you come to possess hereby become the sole property of EckerNet.Com.
10. No intellectual property found on this site may be copied, reproduced, or republished. In fact, no intellectual property may be found on this site, period.

Thank you for visiting EckerNet.Com. We like to pretend that your privacy is very important to us, but to be realistic your privacy means as much to me as it does to your nosy neighbor. However, as part the illusion that we care about you, we\’ve created this policy to inform you of what we do with any information we may collect about you.

How We Collect Information

When you access this webpage, you automatically allow us to insert a small midget with eavesdropping equipment into your residence. Don\’t ask questions as to how this is done. It\’s very complicated, and it\’s classified. This midget will continue to record your every action within your home until either you discover him, or he dies of starvation (about a week). The problem is retrieving this data. You wouldn\’t believe how hard it is to pry a notebook from the hands of a dead decaying midget.

Of course, we have other methods as well. If you look really closely at the power light on your monitor, you\’ll find a tiny camera hidden inside. Really it\’s there, you just have to look harder. Keep looking until you find it. Really it\’s there. We\’ll wait for you to find the camera.

While we\’re waiting we\’ll also explain the other ways we collect information. We\’ve also tapped into a secret government network of spy satellites that are capable of seeing everything you do within your home. They really are kinda fun to play with, especially when your in the shower. By the way, I really don\’t think that one item (you know what I mean) is supposed to be used that way.

We also employ an elite group of Super Ninjas. At this moment they are doing all sorts of sneaky Ninja-type things to spy on you. If you look out the corner of your eye, you\’ll see the one scampering across your ceiling….or is that a spider? There is also one standing right behind you. Quick look behind you!!! Nope, your too slow, now he\’s in front of you. Once again too slow. Keep working at it.

There are probably easier ways to collect information but we don\’t use them. Basically because we don\’t know of them and we certainly aren\’t going to waste time figuring it out. Besides, it\’s really cool having a gang of Super Ninjas and midgets hanging around.

How We Use Information

Let me be perfectly honest. If I get any information about you I plan on immediately selling it to the highest bidder. Why should I turn down a quick buck at your expense? However, to be brutally honest, your a very boring person and nobody cares to know anything about you. Actually, Jan in Accounting wants to know your inseam, but we haven\’t negotiated a price yet.

In the event that some truly embarrassing information is gather about your (i.e. your an AOL user) we will make every effort to blackmail the most amount of cash from you. We will continue to do this until your a penniless, embittered, beaten-down shell of a human being. At this point we\’ll probably stop.

Most likely any information we may retrieve about you will be added to some dusty file that either we\’ve forgotten about or never knew existed. There it will sit until it is discovered and the above practices are attempted or it is accidentally deleted or Windows decides it\’s a perfectly decent file to utterly corrupt.

Cookies

Cookies are good. There really is no other way around it. They are really good. Especially when they are just out of the oven and are nice and chewy. My favorites would be chocolate chip probably which, although they are pretty generic, are pretty damn yummy. Sugar cookies don\’t even deserve to be called cookies. They really are not very good at all.

Special Note to Parents

Your kids are whiny little brats. Tell that little one to shut up and stop making a racket. Can\’t you just lock them in a closet or something. The door isn\’t air-tight, they\’ll get air. Just toss the occasional potato chip in there and they\’ll be fine, they could lose weight anyway.

I don\’t suppose you can explain why the hell they have to run around like little Mongolian warriors on heroin? I\’ve seen bomb shelters that weren\’t meant to take this amount of pounding. And must they scream like a banshee in it\’s death throes? Honestly, 1000 decibels is too loud for anything. At this point, I would have to consider homicide a perfectly rational option. Also, could you perhaps keep them from destroying everything they touch? Even supernovas don\’t cause this much damage.

How to Contact Us

Well probably my first guess would be to click on the link that says \”Contact Me\” but that is really only a guess. I\’m sure that if you\’ve gotten this far your intelligent enough to figure it out. Feel free to prove me wrong and not bother me.

Ok, part of the problem with having a webpage is occasionally someone views it. And occasionally they end up contacting me. So to minimize this unfortunate side-effect I\’ve created this FAQ. Any further questions are either dumb or stupid.

Q: What the hell is wrong with you?
A: I haven\’t gotten the test results back yet.

Q: Haven\’t you found anything you don\’t complain about?
A: Not so far, but I\’m open to the possibility

Q: Why haven\’t you updated recently?
A: I thought perhaps you were all capable of independent thought. I\’m sorry, I was very mistaken.

Q: I found some spelling errors
A: Congraulatins on your highst acheevement

Q: Where are you from?
A: Judging by the people I deal with on a daily basis, I live in the Land of Stupid

Q: What do you do for a living?
A: Well standing around looking sexy doesn\’t pay much so I\’m a Software Engineer

Q: You\’ve offended me, I demand you remove your site
A: You offend me, I demand you stick your head in a blender

Q: Can I link to your site?
A: I\’ve been assured it\’s technologically possible

Q: Where do you get your funnies from?
A: The drunken albino midget down the street

Q: Do you accept submissions?
A: No, I delete enough email each week already

Q: If I send you email, is it possible you\’ll post it?
A: If I have any chance of making fun of you, most definitely. Let me put it this way, once your email enters my domain (that I pay for), it\’s my property.

Q: Fill in your question here
A: No…

Kevin Ecker was born in Minnesota in 1979 to a pair of immortal aborigine pygmies…either that or a normal family, I can never remember which. At birth it was determined that Kevin was a special child, having the intelligence roughly equal to five Einsteins.

At the age of 2 he scored 39 out of 36 on the ACT test. Of course, not wanting to embarrass the rest of the populous, Kevin has pretended to be mostly average intelligence (it’s hard to hide all those smarts).
In an attempt to appear normal, Kevin joins the Italian Mafia despite not being Italian, and goes by the nickname "Ziggy". Soon, it became obvious that he wasn’t exactly going to impress other mobsters with a name like Kevin "Ziggy" Ecker.

After a life of crime failed to blossom, Kevin decided to become a famous inventor. After much research and brainstorming, Kevin hit on what he felt was a great idea. He decided to invent a device that would harness electricity to light a room. Kevin worked for many days and nights on this idea. Sadly, when the light bulb in his desk lamp burned out Kevin realized that such an invention already existed.

Kevin then decided that he wanted to find a job that would allow him to reach his dream, cross-breeding a race of rabid flying wombats. So he decided to enter the computer industry. How, this will allow how him to reach his goal has never been satisfactorily explained.

Drunkguy is..well, he's this drunk guy.  It is unknown if Drunkguy is able ot sustain life without the constant presence of beer.  Lab results have not been encouraging.

Drunkguy began life when, well without getting too explicit, two people who loved each other very much got drunk and did what came naturally.  He spent nine months floating in Vodka, and was born, giving his mother the biggest hang-over of her life.

At EckerNet, Drunkguy plays the role of the drunk uncle, who occasionally shows up at inappropriate times to tell inappropriate stories using inappropriate language.  Which is why I keep encouraging him to post more often

While not the most frequent poster, his contributions are appreciated because it means I get to slack off more without looking bad.  So it works out well for everyone.

Jobo Hanna is our HR Director.  None of us are really sure where he came from or why he's here.  Frankly, he scares the living bejesus out of us.  Hoewver, nobody has the guts to tell him to leave, and really we've had a steady decline in the number of rodents around the place…and somehow Mrs. Featherbees cat is missing.  Strangely enough, he never seems to take a lunch break although appears remarkably well-fed.

In any case, we're not about to hold a minor thing such as demonic possession of a third-rate clown on heroin against him.  As you can probably tell from his picture, Jobo has the attitude and the demeanor to make him the perfect people person.  Although the fact that he made this claim just before pushing a fellow pedestrian into oncoming traffic doesn't do much for his credibility.  

Jobos hobbies include maniacal laughter and scaring small children and most adults.

Beer has been an integral part of our staff from the beginning.  In fact, I would have to say not a damn thing has happened here without his help.  His expertise in remaining cold, bubbly and delicious has been invaluable to the entire staff.

Unfortunately, most of our staff spends their entire day consulting with Beer in their offices and not actually producing anything.  However, they appear happy so who am I to complain?

I've tried discussing the matter with Beer and he always seems to have a good reason for it, but I'll be damned if I can remember it the next morning.  Oh well, no harm done, and fun had by all.  

Beer's hobbies include being consumed and causing hangovers. 

Alf is the office intern.  Originally, I had my doubts about hiring a furry little guy, not to mention him being an illegal alien and all.  However, I have been pleasantly surprised by Alf.  Surprised because he doesn't shed nearly as much as I had expected.

Alf has been a pleasure around the office and is currently training to be a columnist.  I mean what else do you do with some fuzzy little guy? I already have all my positions for midgets filled, and I haven't created a position for furry people yet.  

So basically Alf is one of our writers.  What he writes nobody knows, cause he has a bad habit of immediatly eating his work.  Oh well, nobody is perfect.