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It\’s All Going According To Plan

January 30th, 2006 by Kevin

Seriously, I should be a prophet…assuming it pays well, of course. Why you ask? Well so far I\’m a freaking genius.

At the beginning of the year I made my 2006 predictions. Well we are only a month into 2006 and already a couple big ones came true. Allow me to gloat.

Google will finally make something causing people everywhere not to say \”Oh my God, that\’s the coolest thing I\’ve ever seen!!!\”. At the moment the score is about Infinity-1 to 0. Seriously…they\’re about due for a flop.

Considering the backlash they are seeing regarding their bending over to communism with their new search engine for Chinese users fits the bill just fine. They haven\’t exactly done a good job of damage control. I imagine this is just the start.

Cindy Sheehan attempts to make a comeback. Relevance glances at her, shrugs and wanders off in search of something important.

Making a bid for Senate versus Feinstein, check. Denouncing the US alongside Chavous, check. Thanks Cindy, see ya on Hollywood Squares.

Judge Alito will be confirmed after claims that the sky is falling by Democrats everywhere. The sky will not fall.

Ok give me a couple days for this one to play out. But it\’s been partially filled since according to Democrats, Alito is secretely planning on selling us all into slavery.

Yeah, like I said, I\’m awesome. Especially considering the following are essentially in the bag as well :

Bush will continue not to take illegal immigration seriously. It will become a major campaign issue in southern border states.

Technically I think this one has already happened, but I\’ll wait until we\’re closer to election time to claim victory.

Troop levels in Iraq are dramtically scaled down. Democrats will proclaim victory….and credit. Soldiers will look on in stunned silence.

Troop levels down 20%. Just waiting for the Democrats to take credit.

Bin Laden will still not be found and will slip further into irrelevance. Democrats will skillfully declare it as a failure of the Bush administration will simultaneously doing everything the can to hinder the War on Terror.

I think that last tape was a good step towards irrelevance. Just gotta wait out the year for him not to be found. Democrats have already done their part.

Howard Dean gets on another frenzied spittle inducing rant proclaiming the absolutely absurd, and completely offensive to reality based people. Democrats everywhere will refuse to condemn his statement as they laugh in a \”That\’s Our Dean\” kind of way.

Actually I think this has already happened but it wasn\’t quite as memorable as some of his other ones. I\’m not wasting this one. I\’ll wait for a good one.

Like I said. Apparently I\’m a genius. Bow before me. Anyone know what being a prophet pays?? Do I get groupies? Or at least free beer?


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2006 Predictions

January 3rd, 2006 by Kevin

Ok, I\’ve already made my 2006 Resolutions so I\’m sure you\’re all dying to hear what I think 2006 will bring. Well I thought long and hard and this is the filth I came up with:

Judge Alito will be confirmed after claims that the sky is falling by Democrats everywhere. The sky will not fall.

Renewed claims of the sky is falling will be taken up again the next time Bush promotes absolutely anything. Once again, the sky will not fall. This trend will not end.

Saddam Hussein will be convicted of the terribly obvious and be put to death. Liberals everywhere will mourn at the loss of their favorite victim of the Bush administration.

Iran will announce their first nuclear test about 20 minutes before Israel conducts a public demonstration of their state-of-the-art air force.

After the 2006 elections, the Democratic Party will release a statement claiming that every race in which a Democrat lost was plagued with massive voting fraud. And in cases where there is actual evidence of voter fraud, yet the Democrat won, they\’ll claim it\’s just partisan ranting.

After virtually every instance of especially bad weather, liberal moonbat pundits will assume an \”I told you so\” aura as they decry \”scientifically proven\” global warming and how it\’s all Bush\’s fault.

Microsoft products will continue to suck.

Nick Coleman of the Red Star will write at least one coherent column that represents intelligence and a firm grip on reality….maybe.

The French riots, having been reduced to \”normal\” levels of rioting, will once again intensify as French citizens collectively realize that they are….well, French.

Bin Laden will still not be found and will slip further into irrelevance. Democrats will skillfully declare it as a failure of the Bush administration will simultaneously doing everything the can to hinder the War on Terror.

Air America will continue it\’s dismal ratings even without stealing money from poor children. Their hosts will continue to declare they have better ratings than all the major networks combined.

Google will finally make something causing people everywhere not to say \”Oh my God, that\’s the coolest thing I\’ve ever seen!!!\”. At the moment the score is about Infinity-1 to 0. Seriously…they\’re about due for a flop.

The Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot and Scuttlebutt will all make their presence known, and at a joint press conference will plead, \”Seriously, stop the non-stop coverage of Britney Spears. She\’s not worth it.\”

Sisyphus will increase his Halliburton stock portfolio proving he\’s just a Karl Rove lackey.

Spending will continue to increase as Republicans thumb their nose at conservatives. A failed token effort will be made right before the 2006 elections.

My parents will finally get broadband internet, which will remove the culture shock I experience when visiting.

Katie Holmes will give birth to what for the last time can be referred to as a \”normal\” baby. It begins it\’s doomed existance.

The big hole at Ground Zero will continue to be a big hole as beaucracy trumps productivity.

The New York Times will again endanger national security by releasing sensitive information regarding the War on Terror. They will again get away with it.

Howard Dean gets on another frenzied spittle inducing rant proclaiming the absolutely absurd, and completely offensive to reality based people. Democrats everywhere will refuse to condemn his statement as they laugh in a \”That\’s Our Dean\” kind of way.

The real estate \”bubble\” continues not to burst….again.

Cindy Sheehan attempts to make a comeback. Relevance glances at her, shrugs and wonders off in search of something important.

Bush will continue not to take illegal immigration seriously. It will become a major campaign issue in southern border states.

While pheasant hunting, my dog will prove she\’s not a lesbian and flush her first rooster.

The United Nations continues to do nothing but serve as a soapbox for tyrants to criticize the United States.

Troop levels in Iraq are dramtically scaled down. Democrats will proclaim victory….and credit. Soldiers will look on in stunned silence.

The Fraters will win another trivia contest at Keegans.

There will be another Supreme Court vacancy. Democrats will proclaim Bush as a \”divider\” if he nominates a replacement to the right of Jimmy Carter.

The MAWB Squad will try to bring me back under control. Learned Foot will defeat their attempts.

Zarqawi will be captured or killed. Democrats will decry the \”aggressive tactics\” of the US military.

The anniversary of \”Tookie\’s\” execution will pass without notice.


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