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2011 Predictions

January 3rd, 2011 by Kevin

Since my 2010 Predictions absolutely sucked, I\’ll ignore past performance and assume you\’re clamoring for what your skilled prognosticator has predicted for this upcoming year.

\"\" Nancy Pelosi will finally obtain her goal of being the first politician to achieve a 0% approval rating

\"\" Sarah Palin will NOT run for President

\"\" Pawlenty will.

\"\" Huckabee won\’t

\"\" Mitt Romney will.

\"\" A large number of small banks previously kept afloat by TARP will fail.

\"\" We\’ll all find out what happens when a state declares bankruptcy thanks to California.

\"\" That\’ll be after rumors of cuts to state services causes riots and other social unrest.

\"\" The individual mandate will be ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Court

\"\" ObamaCare will be defunded, but not repealed.

\"\" Gitmo will not close, despite an executive order requiring it to close by January 22nd.

\"\" Obama\’s approval rating will fall into the teens

\"\" Leadership will change in North Korea, but it will not be a clean transition

\"\" European countries will begin to abandon the Euro, Germany will be first

\"\" At the national level, Republicans will make only token symbolic cuts to our budget, very few substantive structural cuts will be made

\"\" Conservatives support for the Republican party will plummet as a result.

\"\" China\’s economy will begin to cool, setting off worries around the global about both political and economic stability.

\"\" Michael Steele will NOT be re-elected as RNC Chair

\"\" The economy will continue to sputter

\"\" The Vikings will suck again…

\"\" The Wild will too….

\"\" Twins won\’t…

\"\" The metrodome will be repaired….

\"\" …just in time for a plan to be put in place to replace it WITHOUT state funding

\"\" There will be a short state government shutdown

\"\" Republicans will force Gov Dayton to accept a smaller budget that includes significant cuts to both Education and Health & Human Services, but does NOT include tax increases.

\"\" Liberals will declare this the end of the world.

\"\" The public won\’t notice the difference.

\"\" Dayton will fall off the wagon….again.


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2010 Resolutions

December 29th, 2009 by Kevin

Well the New Year is almost upon us. It\’s time to do that silly thing we always do about promising to be a better person and blah blah blah blah. Instead you get this….

\"\" I will stop and smell the roses, BEFORE setting them on fire (lesson learned from last year)

\"\" I will at least pretend to notice the posted speed limit

\"\" Learn to lick my elbow

\"\" Recycle my bad karma

\"\" Stay off the FBI\’s Most Wanted list

\"\" No Dying

\"\" Try at least one animal I haven\’t eaten yet

\"\" I will stop reliving the past, instead I\’ll worry about the future.

\"\" I will spend at most one hour a day on the internet

\"\" Redefine one hour to mean \”less than 24\”

\"\" Stop getting in arguments with inanimate objects

\"\" Find a cure for clowns

\"\" Create a fool-proof Zombie Survival Plan, beyond yelling \”GET SOME!\” and shooting everything in sight.

\"\" Increase my carbon footprint

\"\" Midgets

\"\" Stop making silly resolutions

\"\" Stop when it\’s hammertime

\"\" Mature past the age of 12

Actually that last one is probably gonna take all my time this year…


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Grading My 2009 Predictions

December 29th, 2009 by Kevin

Damn I\’m good, my yearly predictions were spot on in almost every area last year. Clearly I missed my calling. EckerNet has closed, now doing business as Kevin\’s Magic 8-Ball.

Despite eight years of liberals claiming otherwise, Bush will not in fact declare a dictatorship at the last minute…..yeah, I know I’m starting them out tough.

Yeah, big surprise on that one right? Although admittedly it probably was the the feverswamp at the Daily Kos.

Despite their respective scandals, neither Senator Dodd nor Senator Rangel will resign their Senatorship nor their respective committee chairmanship.

Another big surprise right?

The irony that the only reason they’re the chair of a committee is because Democrats regained the majority by campaigning on Republican’s \”culture of corruption\” will never be mentioned by the mainstream media nor the liberal left (but I repeat myself).

Ditto.

Immigration will not become a major legislative issue this year

Short of a few quiet attempts to get it started as an issue again, it did not.

The recession will begin turning around in the fall of this year

I\’m convinced it would have….had the Federal government stayed out of the way. In fact according to their own figures it probably would have too. I underestimated the ability of the Federal Government to shoot itself in the foot. Now if only we could figure out a way to make them shoot itself in the forehead.

Democrats will be unwilling to pass another bailout bill without bi-partisan support. Republicans will not provide it.

Democrats would like to but they\’ve clearly grown nervous about an already hostile public.

Obama, despite his record otherwise, will govern as a moderate this year

Ok to be fair I\’m not wrong or right here. Obama hasn\’t done a damn thing yet.

Fairness Doctrine, not gonna happen

Thankfully

Assault Weapons Ban? Not gonna happen, although if any anti-gun legislation is passed it’ll be to increase tax on ammo….effectively accomplishing the same thing

No AWB so far…although the MAIG is trying to push for it lately.

Vikings? One and out in the playoffs

Wild? Don’t even make the playoffs. Gaborik is traded at basement value to an east coast team.

Damn I\’m good. What\’s that you say? Gaborik wasn\’t traded at basement value to an east coast team. Well he did get sent to a east coast team and how much more basement can you get than free??

A member of Obama’s administration will be forced to resign due to a scandal

I might be cheating on this one because a number didn\’t even get past nomination before their issues got the best of them.

Global warming will lose popularity and credibility rapidly.

And it has…which has made the eco-crazies even more frantic and desperate.

Some how that doesn’t effect the fact that \”green jobs\” becomes the new hip trendy thing to worry about.

Good Lord the word green is everywhere. If it\’s not \”Green\” you are a complete bastard for even considering it.

Microsoft gives up on making Vista work and just skips right to the next version. Consumers are somehow still stupid enough to buy it, not having learned the lesson of Vista.

Spot on. Windows 7 appears. Everyone agrees to pretend Vista never happened.

Oil prices remain low through the year.

Eh, they aren\’t the prices that people were screaming about a couple years ago. But they aren\’t the $0.99 prices they were in the late 90s either. The public seems to have become acclimated to these prices as the new low.

China is the first to start to recover from the recession with the US following shortly thereafter

Well they have enough money to continue to bail our asses out don\’t they?

Iran declares it has nuclear weapons, although this might actually be verified

Well they\’ve announced intentions to continue on that path but so far as far as we know they don\’t have them.

Regime change in North Korea….from internal forces

It appears very likely I will be right about regime change from internal forces….just for the wrong country. Iran is imploded and North Korea is the quiet one now. So I had this backwards. I\’ll take a solid miss here.

Iraq continues to progress

And it does

In Afghanistan, the central government signs a power sharing agreement with the Taliban

And they effectively have.

Mainstream media continues it’s love affair with Obama

They try, but it gets more and more difficult every day.

Newspapers continue to go bankrupt

Anyone miss them?

Israel stops it’s war against Hamas before eliminating the threat. We got back to the same cycle all over again. Rinse. Repeat.

Yup….we haven\’t gotten repeat lately, but it\’s a matter of time.

Large Hadron Collidor will be started up again and will complete a full scale test. World does not end

They have. LHC is back up and running. And according to a friend of mine that works on the LHC they have had collisions. Very nice. Congrats.

GM declares bankruptcy. Again world does not end….neither does GM.

Well to be fair I think they are now Government Motors so I guess General Motors sort of ended.

Home prices continue to fall, bottom out in the spring. Eventually settle around a 3:1 to 5:1 median home price to median income ratio.

I don\’t know the nationwide figures but for my area they seemed to have settled in that range. Which I think is probably what is historically sustainable.

UPDATE : It’s been pointed out to me that I’ve been negligent on my prediction for a draft. In the run up to the elections for both 2000 and 2004, liberals tried to scare college kids into voting for the Democrat by insisting that Bush was going to instate a draft. This claim was made with absolutely no evidence but that didn’t stop them.

Yeah, no draft either.

Again I have to repeat….damn I\’m good.


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2009 Predictions

December 31st, 2008 by Kevin

Well I did pretty good on my predictions for 2008.  I correctly predicted both the eventual presidential nominees for the Republican and Democratic parties and the eventual outcome.  I also predicted Coleman would lose to Ciresi, and I\’m confident that if Ciresi had been the DFL candidate he would have…without a recount being necessary.  So I consider it a close enough that I predicted that Coleman would lose.  Also correctly predicted the outcome of the SCOTUS Heller decision and a number of other issues.

So I like to think my crystal ball is working pretty well….so here\’s what it tells me for 2009

\"\" Despite eight years of liberals claiming otherwise, Bush will not in fact declare a dictatorship at the last minute…..yeah, I know I\’m starting them out tough.

\"\" Despite their respective scandals, neither Senator Dodd nor Senator Rangel will resign their Senatorship nor their respective committee chairmanship.

\"\" The irony that the only reason they\’re the chair of a committee is because Democrats regained the majority by campaigning on Republican\’s \”culture of corruption\” will never be mentioned by the mainstream media nor the liberal left (but I repeat myself).

\"\" Immigration will not become a major legislative issue this year

\"\" The recession will begin turning around in the fall of this year

\"\" Democrats will be unwilling to pass another bailout bill without bi-partisan support.  Republicans will not provide it.

\"\" Obama, despite his record otherwise, will govern as a moderate this year

\"\" Fairness Doctrine, not gonna happen

\"\" Assault Weapons Ban? Not gonna happen, although if any anti-gun legislation is passed it\’ll be to increase tax on ammo….effectively accomplishing the same thing

\"\"Vikings? One and out in the playoffs

\"\" Wild? Don\’t even make the playoffs.  Gaborik is traded at basement value to an east coast team.

\"\" A member of Obama\’s administration will be forced to resign due to a scandal

\"\" Global warming will lose popularity and credibility rapidly.

\"\" Some how that doesn\’t effect the fact that \”green jobs\” becomes the new hip trendy thing to worry about.

\"\" Microsoft gives up on making Vista work and just skips right to the next version.  Consumers are somehow still stupid enough to buy it, not having learned the lesson of Vista.

\"\" Oil prices remain low through the year.

\"\" China is the first to start to recover from the recession with the US following shortly thereafter

\"\" Iran declares it has nuclear weapons, although this might actually be verified

\"\" Regime change in North Korea….from internal forces

\"\" Iraq continues to progress

\"\" In Afghanistan, the central government signs a power sharing agreement with the Taliban

\"\" Mainstream media continues it\’s love affair with Obama

\"\" Newspapers continue to go bankrupt

\"\" Israel stops it\’s war against Hamas before eliminating the threat.  We got back to the same cycle all over again.  Rinse. Repeat.

\"\" Large Hadron Collidor will be started up again and will complete a full scale test.  World does not end

\"\" GM declares bankruptcy.  Again world does not end….neither does GM.

\"\" Home prices continue to fall, bottom out in the spring.  Eventually settle around a 3:1 to 5:1 median home price to median income ratio.

And that\’s 2009 for you.

UPDATE : It\’s been pointed out to me that I\’ve been negligent on my prediction for a draft.  In the run up to the elections for both 2000 and 2004, liberals tried to scare college kids into voting for the Democrat by insisting that Bush was going to instate a draft.  This claim was made with absolutely no evidence but that didn\’t stop them.

So here\’s my prediction….not a chance in hell.


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You Know You Were Waiting For It…

January 2nd, 2008 by Kevin

The always amusing Dave Barry publishes his obligatory \”2007 In Review\” type article, which as always does not disappoint. For example, he sums up September as

. . . Iranian President Mahmoud \’\’Scooter\’\’ Ahmadinejad, speaking at Columbia University, defends his denial of the Holocaust and claims there are no gays in Iran. He and his entourage then head to Greenwich Village to shop for chaps.

In Washington, Congress once again tackles Iraq as Gen. David Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker testify in Senate and House committee hearings totaling 16 hours, of which 11 hours are taken up by Joe Biden\’s welcoming remarks. Afterward, Democrats and Republicans agree that they have gained a better understanding of this extremely complex issue and will henceforth abandon crude partisanship and try to find common ground on the planet Floob, where this might actually happen. Here on Earth, both sides immediately resume declaring that the other side is scum.

President Bush nominates Michael B. Mukasey to be attorney general, despite published reports that his name can be rearranged to spell \’\’Lube Mama\’s Hickey\’\’ and \’\’Mace His Leaky Bum.\’\’ Senate leaders, in a rare display of bipartisanship, pledge to fund large unnecessary projects in both West Virginia and Alaska.

A talk by John Kerry at the University of Florida is interrupted by a struggle between police and a disruptive student, who shouts \’\’Don\’t tase me, bro!\’\’ at an officer, who then Tasers him, possibly because she is not, in fact, a \’\’bro.\’\’ The video of this incident — showing the student shouting \’\’Help!\’\’ and wrestling with police on the floor while Kerry\’s droning voice can be heard in the background saying \’\’it\’s a very important question\’\’ — becomes a huge YouTube hit. The consensus is that the student was obnoxious, although the ACLU objects to the Tasering, arguing that, quote, “you get better results with pepper spray.\’\’

In other political developments:

– Fred Thompson, ending months of speculation, formally declares that he has a hot wife.

– Hillary Clinton\’s campaign returns $850,000 in contributions raised by fugitive Chinese-American businessman Norman Hsu following published reports that the money had a high lead content.

– In Las Vegas, O.J. Simpson, an ordinary citizen minding his own business and exercising his basic constitutional right to retrieve sports memorabilia from somebody else\’s hotel room with the aid of armed thugs, somehow runs afoul of the law. He insists he is innocent, but winds up facing trial on robbery and kidnapping charges that could send him to jail for a life term, after which he will undoubtedly be signed by the Miami Dolphins.

I didn\’t realize how event filled 2007 was until reading his post. Very interesting.


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2008 Predictions

January 1st, 2008 by Kevin

Ok it\’s time for my yearly predictions….

  • Some famous people will probably die again, possibly even a few I\’ve heard of
  • The American public will fall into deep depression upon realizing this political banter they\’ve listened to for a year already is only half over.
  • Microsoft products? Yeah, we\’re in for another year of suck
  • Democrats will continue to campaign against Bush, still oblivious to the fact that he is not running for office
  • Despite claims by crazy liberals across the intertubes, Bush will not declare a fascist dictatorship after the 2008 elections
  • North American Union? Yup still a crazy conspiracy theory
  • Vikings? Yeah, they still suck
  • Wild? Made a run for the Cup in 2008, didn\’t quite get there.
  • Actual reason for the 35W bridge collapse will be revealed. It will be ignored as Democrats want to blame Pawlenty and Molnau instead.
  • Border fence??? Still none, DHS continues to make excuses. Makes claims of miles of fence being erected while ignoring that it\’s simply the single-tier variety more suitable for cattle farms than national borders. And also ignoring that they were directed by Congress to put up the Israel/San Diego double-tier style fence.
  • NYT?? Still a professional anti-America propaganda machine
  • Despite repeated claims as to the importance of the issue, Congress continues to take no official action on immigration
  • However, state level action, combined with no promise of federal amnesty, causes many illegals to self-deport on a national scale.
  • The economy is unaffected by this exodus, and Americans step up to do jobs that Americans won\’t do.
  • A large scale offensive by terrorists in Iraq, similar to the Tet offensive of Vietnam. And while it will cause a large PR hit the war in America, it will not have the same devastating effect on the war effort that Tet did. It will however, had the same devastating casualties for Al Qaeda as it did for the Vietnamese.
  • Republican nominee? McCain
  • Democratic nominee? Obama
  • Election winner? Obama
  • Terrorist attack on US soil
  • Coleman loses to Ciresi
  • Supreme Court finally rules on the Second Amendment. Their findings, while cementing an individuals rights to own firearms, does permit states to pass limited legislation restricting where they can be used.
  • Nobody is happy with the ruling, with all sides declaring it a horrible compromise. Gun Control activists declare that the Wild West will return to America….this does not happen. Anti Gun Control activists declare it the beginning of fascism….this also does not happen. Essentially a status quo is maintained.
  • Gas prices reach another all-time high this summer. Liberals continuously amazed when the free market adjusts accordingly
  • Liberals continue to push oil independence, while simultaneously opposing any progress on anything that would actually achieve oil independence, like drilling or building new refineries.
  • Towards the end of 2008, the ethanol bubble begins to burst.
  • Global warming continues to be a hot topic in 2008, and while opposition to the Goracle dire proclamations continues to rise, it does not reach critical mass yet.
  • \”Carbon footprint\” becomes a key advertising catch-phrase.
  • Economy slows and becomes relatively stagnant, growing only very slowly. Liberals seize upon this as a campaign issue.

And that should be 2008.


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Year In Review

December 31st, 2007 by Kevin

Well I typically make yearly predictions, and I made some for 2007, let\’s see how I did.

Renewed claims of the sky is falling will be taken up again the next time Bush promotes absolutely anything. Once again, the sky will not fall. This trend will not end.

Sadly very true

After virtually every instance of especially bad weather, liberal moonbat pundits will assume an “I told you so” aura as they decry “scientifically proven” global warming and how it’s all Bush’s fault.

Well I\’ll give myself half credit, we had pretty good weather, but this still didn\’t stop the enviroweenies from claiming that global warming would cause catastrophically bad weather.  Mother Nature continued to demonstrate a sense of humor by causing a snow storm every time there was a global warming rally.

Microsoft products will continue to suck

Oh god yes….they suck, I have been the unfortunate victim too many times this year.

Learned Foot will use the word “boobies” in no less than 300 posts.

I think it\’s fairly safe to say this was the case, although \”poop\” and/or \”bacon\” seems to be his latest favorite.  Fortunately, he doesn\’t use them in the same sentence much.

I will finally win the Rock Solid In The Blogosphere Award!

Well one wasn\’t awarded in 2007, so no I did not.  I think half of the selection committee died or something.

There will be another Supreme Court vacancy. Democrats will proclaim Bush as a “divider” if he nominates a replacement to the right of Jimmy Carter.

There was no vacancy, and looks not to be one yet this year.

The Post-MILF festivities will bring open warfare between Learned Foot and his neighbors

Undeclared maybe, but certainly short of open warfare.

A giant fenarglebeast, weighing approximately one metric fuck-ton, will appear and threaten all of mankind. What exactly a fenarglebeast is, and how much it weighs will never be satisfactorily explained.

Yes, Hillary made an appearance

Out of nowhere an army of rabid flying wombats will emerge and defeat the dreaded fenarglebeast, although the city of Paris will be wiped out when the fenarglebeast farts. Everyone considers it a win-win situation. Officials at EckerNet.Com will refuse to comment on the wombat army.

Wombat army breeding fell behind schedule due to lack of wombat porn.  And if that sentence doesn\’t net me the weirdest google hits ever, I don\’t know what will.  Look for me to be the number one google hit for \”wombat porn\”.

President Bush will officially announce his candidacy for the Presidency of Mexico. As part of his announcement, he will cite his longstanding advocacy for the welfare of Mexicans everywhere.

Officially no, unofficially yes.

McCain and Guiliani will fade as desirable candidates for the 2008 Republican nomination for President. Mitt Romney and Duncan Hunter will emerge as the preferred candidates

Wow I flubbed.  While Guiliani is fading, McCain is fell but is now rising.  Mitt Romney rose, but is holding steady. Hunter soared like an anvil.

50c of the MN Militia, making up for lost time while deployed to Iraq, will assassinate King Fuzzi-Wuzzi, leader of the Prarie Dogs.

Logistical and political reasons kept us from an annual Prairie Dog hunt this year

Two days later, France offers it’s unconditional surrender to 50c.

Despite the above, I assume the surrender is in the mail.

Al Gore will mumble something about Global Warming, the public will continue to not give a shit

Well he did more than mumble, but the public continues not to care, so I give myself credit.

Rosie O’Donnell will continue her very public feud with Donald Trump, by uttering “Get in my belly!”

Rosie tried to eat Trump, but his hair got lodged in her throat

North Korea will successfully test a nuclear weapon

Actually they\’ve been fairly cooperative lately on this front

Kim Jong-Il will be removed from power by China, which will be responding to fears the incident forcing Japan to militarize.

Unfortunately no.

The Homeland Security Department will continue not to build the fence authorized by Congress.

All of you who are surprised, raise your hands.  While they claim they\’ve built 70 or 80 miles of fencing what most people don\’t realize is that all but seven of that is the type of fencing you see on farms to separate fields.

The MN Militia will welcome 3 new members to it’s ranks

We did welcome three honorary junior members this year.  Congrats to all involved.

There will be a major terrorist attack in Europe

I hate being right

My parents will finally get broadband internet. And I will receive no fewer that three calls next year asking me to come over and fix their internet.

Nope….no broadband, the 20th century continues to elude them.

President Bush will offer a cost-saving plan to outsource our national security to Mexican authorities

I\’m assuming it\’s tied up in committee

The Freedom Tower, built on the site of the 9/11 attacks, will still not be completed six years after the attack

Anyone surprised?

Bloggers will continue to ask “Who is Jamal Hussein?”, as the AP continues to stonewall on identifying it’s mysterious lone source

Actually he was identified early this year, and as a result most of the stories cited by him have been thrown into serious doubt.

The New York Times will continue to get away with endangering national security by publishing secret information

Anyone surprised??

Control of Iraq will be handed over to Iraqi forces in late 2007

Not quite, large portions of it have been, but a few key areas are still holding out.

Several hurricanes will hit the US this year, none approaching Katrina level devestation. Regardless, Democrats everywhere will cite what damage they do do as continuing failures of the Bush administration.

Several did, however, they weren\’t necessary as apparently we still have to tolerate bitching about Katrina.

Bush will tell Rove to stop playing with his Acme “Kill Darkies” Weather Machine.

He did, and Rove was so annoyed by this he resigned.

A member of the Northern Alliance will make it to Keegans….maybe

Mitch finally did…although I think only because he called a meeting of a few member of the vast right wing conspiracy to go over our Rove-approved talking points.

There will be a major oil discovery in Israel

Damn

With the exception of a few extreme members, the Democrats will NOT attempt to impeach Bush.  This will send the Kos and the rest of the nutroots into a foaming-at-the-mouth frenzy of biblical proportions.

Pretty much spot on.

Heh, I think I got about 50-50, which considering most of my predictions stemmed from cynical sarcastic bitching, is pretty damn good.


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2007 Predictions

January 3rd, 2007 by Kevin

Since I did such a good job on my 2006 predictions, it seems like I should do some 2007 predictions as well. Once again I thought long and hard, but then my head started to hurt, so I just made some crap up. Here\’s what I came up with.

  • Renewed claims of the sky is falling will be taken up again the next time Bush promotes absolutely anything. Once again, the sky will not fall. This trend will not end.
  • After virtually every instance of especially bad weather, liberal moonbat pundits will assume an “I told you so” aura as they decry “scientifically proven” global warming and how it’s all Bush’s fault.
  • Microsoft products will continue to suck.
  • Learned Foot will use the word \”boobies\” in no less than 300 posts.
  • I will finally win the Rock Solid In The Blogosphere Award!
  • There will be another Supreme Court vacancy. Democrats will proclaim Bush as a “divider” if he nominates a replacement to the right of Jimmy Carter.
  • The Post-MILF festivities will bring open warfare between Learned Foot and his neighbors
  • A giant fenarglebeast, weighing approximately one metric fuck-ton, will appear and threaten all of mankind. What exactly a fenarglebeast is, and how much it weighs will never be satisfactorily explained.
  • Out of nowhere an army of rabid flying wombats will emerge and defeat the dreaded fenarglebeast, although the city of Paris will be wiped out when the fenarglebeast farts. Everyone considers it a win-win situation. Officials at EckerNet.Com will refuse to comment on the wombat army.
  • President Bush will officially announce his candidacy for the Presidency of Mexico. As part of his announcement, he will cite his longstanding advocacy for the welfare of Mexicans everywhere.
  • McCain and Guiliani will fade as desirable candidates for the 2008 Republican nomination for President. Mitt Romney and Duncan Hunter will emerge as the preferred candidates
  • 50c of the MN Militia, making up for lost time while deployed to Iraq, will assassinate King Fuzzi-Wuzzi, leader of the Prarie Dogs.
  • Two days later, France offers it\’s unconditional surrender to 50c.
  • Al Gore will mumble something about Global Warming, the public will continue to not give a shit
  • Rosie O\’Donnell will continue her very public feud with Donald Trump, by uttering \”Get in my belly!\”
  • North Korea will successfully test a nuclear weapon
  • Kim Jong-Il will be removed from power by China, which will be responding to fears the incident forcing Japan to militarize.
  • The Homeland Security Department will continue not to build the fence authorized by Congress.
  • The MN Militia will welcome 3 new members to it\’s ranks
  • There will be a major terrorist attack in Europe
  • My parents will finally get broadband internet. And I will receive no fewer that three calls next year asking me to come over and fix their internet.
  • President Bush will offer a cost-saving plan to outsource our national security to Mexican authorities
  • The Freedom Tower, built on the site of the 9/11 attacks, will still not be completed six years after the attack
  • Bloggers will continue to ask \”Who is Jamal Hussein?\”, as the AP continues to stonewall on identifying it\’s mysterious lone source
  • The New York Times will continue to get away with endangering national security by publishing secret information
  • Control of Iraq will be handed over to Iraqi forces in late 2007
  • Several hurricanes will hit the US this year, none approaching Katrina level devestation. Regardless, Democrats everywhere will cite what damage they do do as continuing failures of the Bush administration.
  • Bush will tell Rove to stop playing with his Acme \”Kill Darkies\” Weather Machine.
  • A member of the Northern Alliance will make it to Keegans….maybe
  • There will be a major oil discovery in Israel
  • With the exception of a few extreme members, the Democrats will NOT attempt to impeach Bush.  This will send the Kos and the rest of the nutroots into a foaming-at-the-mouth frenzy of biblical proportions.

Well those are my predictions for 2007.


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2007 Resolutions

January 2nd, 2007 by Kevin

Well it\’s an annual tradition to make new years resolutions. I did last year, and except for starting my own cult, making the FBIs most wanted list and breeding an army of rabid flying wombats, I think I can damn close to the rest of them.

  • No more drinking duck farts. They are bad news. For those of you that don\’t know what a duck fart is, it\’s an alcoholic beverage. It is roughly the equivalent of having your friend wrap a block of ice in velvet and and having him bash you over the head with it while quacking.
  • Discover the meaning of life….but write it down before I forget it this time
  • Drink less soda….it leaves less room for beer
  • Develop a filter for my mouth…this not having one is amusing most of the time, but the rest of the time I just get in trouble.
  • Punch the Verizon guy in the liver
  • Buy another weapon
  • Find out why that guy in Nigeria who I sent all that money to hasn\’t replied to my emails.
  • Get the gangrene in my arm looked at.
  • Resolve my lawsuit with PETA
  • Eat more paint
  • Put away my Michael Moore Voodoo doll. I don\’t think he\’s human, and I can\’t find pins long enough to penetrate to something vital anyway
  • Increase my carbon \”footprint\” to Al Gore level

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2006 : The Year In Review

December 30th, 2006 by Kevin

At the beginning of this year I made some predictions for the year 2006, now that the year is out, let\’s see how I did.

Judge Alito will be confirmed after claims that the sky is falling by Democrats everywhere. The sky will not fall.

Damn I\’m good.

Renewed claims of the sky is falling will be taken up again the next time Bush promotes absolutely anything. Once again, the sky will not fall. This trend will not end.

Unfortunately that trend lasted ALL FUCKING YEAR…thank goodness it\’s a new year…will the trend end?? You\’ll have to wait for my 2007 predictions.

Saddam Hussein will be convicted of the terribly obvious and be put to death. Liberals everywhere will mourn at the loss of their favorite victim of the Bush administration.

Yeah, he\’s dead. Finally. As I write this we\’re still waiting on video and still photos but word is that he\’s already room temp.

Iran will announce their first nuclear test about 20 minutes before Israel conducts a public demonstration of their state-of-the-art air force.

Well since Israel hasn\’t conducted a public demonstration of their state-of-the-art air force, I\’m technically right yeah?? LOL, ok I\’ll take half credit then.

After the 2006 elections, the Democratic Party will release a statement claiming that every race in which a Democrat lost was plagued with massive voting fraud. And in cases where there is actual evidence of voter fraud, yet the Democrat won, they’ll claim it’s just partisan ranting.

Well you\’ll notice that in the early hours of the 2006 elections there was alot of complaining about \”voting irregularities\” and hacked voting machines and such. As soon as it became apparent that things were falling towards the Democrats, it stopped. I think that\’s a pretty solid gold star for me.

After virtually every instance of especially bad weather, liberal moonbat pundits will assume an \”I told you so\” aura as they decry \”scientifically proven\” global warming and how it’s all Bush’s fault.

Well before the hurricane season started we started getting this so I\’d like to take credit. However, I got something even better than being right. Not a single hurricane hit us this year, proving that Al Gore and his cronies are full of shit. Heh, my \”proof\” is just as scientifically valid as any crap they try to pull out their ass.

Microsoft products will continue to suck.

Oh god yes….

Nick Coleman of the Red Star will write at least one coherent column that represents intelligence and a firm grip on reality….maybe.

Wow, I wasn\’t expecting this one to actually come true….but well, it did

The French riots, having been reduced to \”normal\” levels of rioting, will once again intensify as French citizens collectively realize that they are….well, French.

LOL, sadely enough, this one kinda came true. Rioting is back to a \”normal\” level. And tensions are increasing amongst disillusioned Muslims that haven\’t integrated into French society, but can you really blame them??? Would you?

Bin Laden will still not be found and will slip further into irrelevance. Democrats will skillfully declare it as a failure of the Bush administration will simultaneously doing everything the can to hinder the War on Terror.

Bingo. We\’re continuously told how Iraq isn\’t about Bin Laden and blah blah blah blah blah. In reality I stopped listening to their BS.

Air America will continue it’s dismal ratings even without stealing money from poor children. Their hosts will continue to declare they have better ratings than all the major networks combined.

LOL, even better, Air America has such dismal ratings they are going out of business.

Google will finally make something causing people everywhere not to say \”Oh my God, that’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen!!!\”. At the moment the score is about Infinity-1 to 0. Seriously…they’re about due for a flop.

I think google.ca (Chinese government run censorship of the internet) counts as a flop.

The Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot and Scuttlebutt will all make their presence known, and at a joint press conference will plead, \”Seriously, stop the non-stop coverage of Britney Spears. She’s not worth it.\”

I wish they had….I really wish they had.

Sisyphus will increase his Halliburton stock portfolio proving he’s just a Karl Rove lackey.

Actually I was wrong here, Sisyphus instead used a portion of his vast blood-for-money fortune in a unsuccessful attempt to rig the 2006 elections by preventing every minority in the country from voting.

Spending will continue to increase as Republicans thumb their nose at conservatives. A failed token effort will be made right before the 2006 elections.

Bingo. Which is a huge reason for the outcome of the 2006 elections.

My parents will finally get broadband internet, which will remove the culture shock I experience when visiting.

Well they didn\’t, but they are talking about it and asking my advice on how to hook it up. So I would say I might have just been a few months premature on this one.

Katie Holmes will give birth to what for the last time can be referred to as a \”normal\” baby. It begins it’s doomed existance.

Yep, that about sums it up.

The big hole at Ground Zero will continue to be a big hole as beaucracy trumps productivity.

Well technically they\’ve just recently broken ground on building the tower on that site, but yeah, basically it\’s still just a big hole in the ground. The fact that the Pentagon was rebuilt by 1 am on September 12th, 2001, is just further evidence that the only part of the government that functions is the Defense Department.

The New York Times will again endanger national security by releasing sensitive information regarding the War on Terror. They will again get away with it.

On a monthly basis pretty much. I\’ve lost count at this point. Hell I can\’t even remember what the last leak was, as it\’s just melded together in one vast big noise. How conspiracy theorists get off thinking the government can keep ANYTHING a secret is beyond me.

Howard Dean gets on another frenzied spittle inducing rant proclaiming the absolutely absurd, and completely offensive to reality based people. Democrats everywhere will refuse to condemn his statement as they laugh in a \”That’s Our Dean\” kind of way.

Well, I\’m sure Dean probably did, but he\’s been overshadowed by Kerry on that count.

The real estate \”bubble\” continues not to burst….again.

Yup

Cindy Sheehan attempts to make a comeback. Relevance glances at her, shrugs and wonders off in search of something important.

I think it\’s official, her 15 minutes are finally over.

Bush will continue not to take illegal immigration seriously. It will become a major campaign issue in southern border states.

I\’m a bit biased on this but yeah. Bush continues to lay a complete clusterfuck every time he attempts to pretend to care about this issue.

While pheasant hunting, my dog will prove she’s not a lesbian and flush her first rooster.

I\’m proud to say yes. Even better I got to watch it all happen.

The United Nations continues to do nothing but serve as a soapbox for tyrants to criticize the United States.

Did it ever really serve any other purpose?

Troop levels in Iraq are dramatically scaled down. Democrats will proclaim victory….and credit. Soldiers will look on in stunned silence.

Well…they are down. I don\’t think it qualifies as dramatically, but it\’s down. And the Democrats just want to pull out entirely.

The Fraters will win another trivia contest at Keegans.

Well the Fraters haven\’t been there in 2006 so I guess I\’ll have to count this one as wrong. Actually I don\’t think a single member of the Northern Alliance has been at Keegans this year.

There will be another Supreme Court vacancy. Democrats will proclaim Bush as a \”divider\” if he nominates a replacement to the right of Jimmy Carter.

Not yet, but we\’ve been assured it\’s coming in the next year. I think this is probably a solid prediction for next year.

The MAWB Squad will try to bring me back under control. Learned Foot will defeat their attempts.

I did receive a bribe from Cathy but I was not brought under control. I think Learned Foot\’s constant discussion of boobies has discouraged any further attempts.

Zarqawi will be captured or killed. Democrats will decry the \”aggressive tactics\” of the US military.

Zarqawi obtained room temperature status in the summer of \’06. And yeah, we were lectured about how we should have captured him and how we shouldn\’t have killed him in such a violent manner. F that!

The anniversary of \”Tookie’s\” execution will pass without notice.

Tookie who??

So….basically what this all comes down to is I\’m pretty impressive at making predictions. I will hereby accept all manner of compliments, adoration, proposals and general ego-stroking.


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