Ok the Alito hearings are actually underway now. And since I made quite a stink about the mistake-whose-named-should-not-be-uttered that came before him, it probably merits some response. So here it goes.
This is boring!!
Seriously. I mean come on people. Liven it up a bit. I think the Democratic staffers need to rub their senators against Howard Dean, or something, before each hearing. Not that their questions would be any less agenda driven or any more coherent but at least they\’d be entertaining.
From my perspective, here\’s a transcript of the hearings that meets the Mapes Standard*.
Day One – RantingIntroductions :
Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : I\’m gonna conduct fair and balanced hearings during which time I plan on going off on personal rants designed only to further my own political career. And I will let everyone else do the same, regardless of how disillusioned the rant is.
Despite having no evidence to support them, I will continuously express doubts about virtually everything you have to say. I do this not because I actually have doubts, but because it makes me look like my own man and I hope the Democrats will stop picking me last every time we play Senate kickball
: YEAH!!
: You\’re not Harriet Miers. So you got that going for you….which is nice. Personally I think you\’re wonderful, and I\’m going to talk about you in such glowing terms that an unbiased observer would think you were being considered for sainthood.
: We hate Bush. He\’s Hitler. We should withdraw from Iraq. It\’s a quagmire. I really have nothing to add to these preceedings except that I think Bush sucks…and I am know for a fact that 86 trillion Americans agree with me. Plus 104% of Iraqis worship me as a god.
Oh and despite whatever answers you give, I will loudly proclaim to the press that you are going to overturn Roe vs Wade. I will also claim you hate all minorities. And I will start rumors that you have a third nipple.
Day Two – Q&A
Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Get In My Belly!!
Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Kennedy, don\’t eat the applicant again!!
Ok…now down to business. Sam….can I call you Sam? Sure I can. I\’m a senator. Admit it, you hate women right?
Judge Samuel Alito : Did I introduce my wife yet?
Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : You talk when I tell you to!!
Now…what I meant by that is that you hate abortion, right? Even though it\’s been upheld by judicial precedent for 865,486 years?
Judge Samuel Alito : Precedent is good, m\’kay? Especially super-duper precedent. Which is almost as good as Supercalifragalist Icexpialidocious precedent.
[Sen Specter blinks alot]
Judge Samuel Alito : Ok…
Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Well you once said that there was no basis for a right to abortion in the Constitution, which is a piece of paper which I think we still use sometimes.
Judge Samuel Alito : See, when I said that I was an advocate. I was hired to do a job and I was doing that job and that statement was part of doing that job. I reflected the wishes of my client.
It\’s kind of like how politics is supposed to work. The public votes you in, and expects you to legislate according to their best interest. They are your client. You work for them.
Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Don\’t try to confuse me with technical legal stuff!!!
\”Super-hero\” Aquaman : Heh guys, seen any fish I can talk to?? No? Ok I\’ll be on my way
Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Get In My Belly!!
Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : Can I ask a question?
Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : No, but you can spout partisan rhetoric that has no relevance to this confirmation hearing.
Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : As we all know, it\’s a fact that Bush is a tyrant. And we know he has personally intercepted every single phone call made by US citizens. He\’s also personally read every piece of mail anyone has EVER sent. It\’s true….Howard Dean told me so. Which means…
Judge Samuel Alito : Excuse me….um, sorry, where you going to ask a question, otherwise I\’m gonna grab a Fresca.
Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : Oh yeah…um, well, do you think it\’s okay that Bush is an evil spying bastard??
Judge Samuel Alito : Um, no…he has to follow the Fifth Amendment and statutes and….
Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : What do statues have to do with this??
Judge Samuel Alito : No statutes…you know…laws and stuff? Weren\’t you a lawyer??
Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : I\’m asking the questions here!!
So…you agree that Bush can\’t do what he\’s doing???
Judge Samuel Alito : No, I\’m saying he has to follow the law
Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : So you admit he\’s broken every law we have, including gravity!
Judge Samuel Alito : No….I….dammit, pay attention
Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : I don\’t have to pay attention to anything!! I\’m a U.S. Senator!
Judge Samuel Alito : Ok fine, look I\’ll probably have to rule on this. So….no comment
Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Is it lunch time yet?
Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Um, no…I think it\’s your turn actually. The chair recognizes the gravitational field from Massachusetts.
(more…)