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I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack as he staggered out the door laughing loudly.

Probably something like this:

You’ve seen people jump cars, buildings, lakes, fires, etc.

But today EckerNet brings you the ultimate in entertainment….jumping babies

Please come back for the five o’clock show.

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: “I’m here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It is a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations”.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch …” The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. “SHIT,” said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

[Blame this one on 50¢]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death.

Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”

“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”

“But what about the smell?”, she asked.

“Just hold its nose.”, replied the husband.

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. **(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over..)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.

[H/T 50¢]

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?”

#2. A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman….

#1. You Can Buy A Silencer For A Gun

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the following poster…

I mean seriously, Would you quit drinking?

At least now we have the option of drinking until they look hot….unfortunately I’m not sure there is enough beer on the planet for that.

[H/T : Prof Rackmaster]

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.*
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.*
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.*Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be American doesn’t it??

* Yeah, I don’t know how accurate these figures are but it’s hardly the point.

[H/T Jordan]