EckerNet.Com

Over the last couple of months I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don\’t be naive enough to think it couldn\’t happen to you or your friends.

Here\’s how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say \’No\’ and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend..

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years He had faithfully served the people of the nation\’s capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

\”Yes, Father?\” said the nurse.

\”I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die\”, whispered the priest.

\”I\’ll see what I can do, Father\” replied the nurse, and sent the request to them awaiting a response.

Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy, \”I don\’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.\”

Nancy agreed.

When they arrived at the priest\’s room, the priest took Nancy \’s hand in his right hand and Harry\’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest\’s face.

Finally Nancy spoke. \”Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?\”

The old priest slowly replied \”I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.\”

The old priest continued…\”He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.\”

Letter from the Boss,

As the CFO of this business that employs 140 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our new President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8%, but since we cannot increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here, and I didn\’t know how to choose who will have to go.

So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found 8 Obama bumper stickers on our employees\’ cars, and I have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off. I can\’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.

If you have a better idea, let me know.

Sincerely,

The Boss

To : All Male Taxpayers
From : I.R.S. Service Center
Date : April 6th, 2009
Re : Notice of Increase of Tax Payments

The only thing the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective April 6th, 2009, your penis will be taxed according to it\’s size.

To determine your category, please confirm this information on Page 2, Section 7, Line 3 of your standard 1040 Tax Form.
10 – 12 inches……………….Luxury Tax $30
8 – 10 inches………………..Pole Tax $25
6 – 8 inches………………….Privilege Tax $15
4 – 6 inches………………….Nuisance $3

Note : Anyone under four inches is eligible for a refund. Please do not ask for an extension.

Males exceeding twelve inches must file under capital gains.

Sincerely,

Pecker Checker
IRS Agent

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you\’ll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn\’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn\’t move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can\’t fix it with a hammer, you\’ve got an electrical problem.

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they\’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba\’s 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat …. And nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. \’Grandma,\’ he asked, \’it\’s my 21st birthday, so why can\’t I walk \’cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?\’

Granny looked deeply into Bubba\’s troubled eyes and said, \’Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass\’.

The Patriot Micro Chip is intended to be implanted in terrorists. The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead. When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes:

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician. The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary. Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

Best regards,

United States Armed Forces

[H/T : Pete]

Schizophrenia – Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder – We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia – I Don\’t Know if I\’ll Be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic – Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Street and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants

Paranoid – Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me (Of course, the kid is paranoid: He knows when you are sleeping! He knows when you\’re awake He knows when you\’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!)

Borderline Personality Disorder – Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder – You Better Watch Out, I\’m Gonna Cry, I\’m

Gonna Pout, Maybe I\’ll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells …..

Agoraphobia – I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day but Couldn\’t Leave My House

Autistic – Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock

Senile Dementia – Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiance Disorder – I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder – Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,

\”Master, may I grant you one wish?\”

Osama responded, \”You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don\’t you know who I am? I don\’t need any common woman giving me anything.\”

The shocked genie said, \”Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.\”

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, \”Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.\” The annoyed genie said, \”So be it!\” and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up — 3 of them. I picked out….a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw..my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it..it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer– no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer\’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn\’t want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set before hand…kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when…

I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head –almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal –like a horse –strikes at you with their hooves and you can\’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down,

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

All these events are true so help me God…

Sincerely,

Chuck O\’Hearn

[via Hunter7 at twincitiescarry.com]