One finger on the pulse of the enemy - another on the trigger
'Kevin\’s Funnies' Category Archive
June 25th, 2010 by Kevin
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: \”I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,\” she said proudly, \”My sales approach was to appeal to the customer\’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.\”
\”Very good,\” said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
\”I sold magazines,\” she said, \”I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.\”
\”Very good, Jenny,\” said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Ernie\’s turn.
The teacher held her breath …
Little Ernie walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher\’s desk. \”$2,467,\” he said.
\”$2,467!\” cried the teacher, \”What in the world were you selling?\”
\”Toothbrushes,\” said Little Ernie
\”Toothbrushes!\” echoed the teacher, \”How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?\”
\”I found the busiest corner in town,\” said Little Ernie, \”I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.\”
They all said the same thing, \”Hey, this tastes like dog poop!\”
Then I would say,\”It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?\”
\”I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth.\”
May 24th, 2010 by Kevin
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It’s pronounced “Gonna re-elect ‘em,” and it is a terrible obamanation.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008…but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.
It’s sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don’t engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia, Utah, New Jersey and Massachusetts, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.
Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.
April 6th, 2010 by Kevin
John G. Is 63 years old and owns a small business. He\’s a life-long Republican and sees his dream of retiring next year has all but evaporated. With the stock market crashing and new taxes coming his way, John assumes now that he will work to his dying day.
John has a granddaughter. Ashley is a recent college grad. She drives a flashy hybrid car, wears all the latest fashions, and loves to go out to nightclubs and restaurants. Ashley campaigned hard for Barack Obama. After the election she made sure her grandfather (and all other Republican family members) received a big I told-you-so earful on how the world is going to be a much better place now that her party is taking over.
Having lost both roommates, Ashley recently ran short of cash and cannot pay the rent (again) on her 3 bedroom townhouse… Like she has done many times in the past, she e-mailed her grandfather asking for some financial help.
Here is his reply:
I received your request for assistance. Ashley, you know I love you dearly and I\’m sympathetic to your financial plight. Unfortunately, times have changed. With the election of President Obama, your grandmother and I have had to set forth a bold new economic plan of our own…\”The Ashley Economic Empowerment Plan.\” Let me explain.
Your grandmother and I are life-long, wage-earning tax payers. We have lived a comfortable life, as you know, but we have never had the fancier things like European vacations, luxury cars, etc.. We have worked hard and were looking forward to retiring soon. But the plan has changed. Your president is raising our personal and business taxes significantly. He says it is so he can give our hard earned money to other people. Do you know what this means, Ashley? It means less for us, and we must cut back on many business and personal expenses.
You know the wonderful receptionist who worked in my office for more than 23 years? The one who always gave you candy when you came over to visit? I had to let her go last week. I can\’t afford to pay her salary and all of the government mandated taxes that go with having employees. Your grandmother will now work 4 days a week to answer phones, take orders and handle the books. We will be closed on Fridays and will lose even more income to the Wal-Mart.
I\’m also very sorry to report that your cousin Frank will no longer be working summers in the warehouse. I called him at school this morning. He already knows about it and he\’s upset because he will have to give up skydiving and his yearly trip to Greenland to survey the polar bears.
That\’s just the business side of things. Some personal economic effects of Obama\’s new taxation policies include none other than you. You know very well that over the years your grandmother and I have given you thousands of dollars in cash, tuition assistance, food, housing, clothing, gifts, etc., etc. But by your vote, you have chosen to help others — not at your expense — but at our expense.
If you need money now sweetheart, I recommend you call 202-456-1111. That is the direct phone number for the White House… You can also contact the White House here: http://www.whitehouse.gov/CONTACT/ .
You yourself told me how foolish it is to vote Republican. You said Mr Obama is going to be the People\’s President, and is going to help every American live a better life. Based on everything you\’ve told me, along with all the promises we heard during the campaign, I\’m sure Mr. Obama will be happy to transfer some stimulus money into your bank account. Have him call me for the account number which I memorized years ago.
Perhaps you can now understand what I\’ve been saying all my life: those who vote for a president should consider the impact on the nation as a whole, and not be just concerned with what they can get for themselves. What Obama supporters don\’t seem to realize is all of the money he is redistributing to illegal aliens and non-taxpaying Americans (the so-called \”less fortunate\”) comes from tax-paying families.
Remember how you told me, \”Only the richest of the rich will be affected\”? Well guess what, honey? Because we own a business, your grandmother and I are now considered to be the richest of the rich. On paper, it might look that way, but in the real world, we are far from it.
As you said while campaigning for Obama, some people will have to carry more of the burden so all of America can prosper… You understand what that means, right? It means that raising taxes on productive people results in them having less money; less money for everything, including granddaughters.
I\’m sorry, Ashley, but the well has run dry. The free lunches are over. I have no money to give you now. So, congratulations on your choice for \”change.\” For future reference, I encourage you to try and add up the total value of the gifts and cash you have received from us, just since you went off to college, and compare it to what you expect to get from Mr. Obama over the next 4 (or 8 ) years. I have not kept track of it, Ashley. It has all truly been the gift of our hearts.
Remember, we love you dearly….but from now on you\’ll need to call the number mentioned above. Your \”Savior\” has the money we would have given to you. Just try and get it from him.
Good luck, sweetheart.
April 2nd, 2010 by Kevin
March 19th, 2010 by Kevin
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, \”I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn\’t even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, \”Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!\”
\”And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.\”
August 12th, 2009 by Kevin
Think about this:
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq … Why don\’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we\’re not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can\’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this –you cannot post \’Thou Shalt Not Steal\’ \’Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery\’ and \’Thou Shall Not Lie\’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians …. it creates a hostile work environment..
[h/t to Andrew]
June 28th, 2009 by Kevin
Answering The Phone in a Movie Can Be Tricky at First — powered by Cracked.com
May 5th, 2009 by Kevin
Over the last couple of months I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don\’t be naive enough to think it couldn\’t happen to you or your friends.
Here\’s how the scam works:
Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say \’No\’ and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend..
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each
April 27th, 2009 by Kevin
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years He had faithfully served the people of the nation\’s capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
\”Yes, Father?\” said the nurse.
\”I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die\”, whispered the priest.
\”I\’ll see what I can do, Father\” replied the nurse, and sent the request to them awaiting a response.
Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy, \”I don\’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.\”
When they arrived at the priest\’s room, the priest took Nancy \’s hand in his right hand and Harry\’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest\’s face.
Finally Nancy spoke. \”Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?\”
The old priest slowly replied \”I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.\”
The old priest continued…\”He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.\”