Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have we can harvest.

'Dear EckerNet' Category Archive

Dear EckerNet…

December 19th, 2024 by Kevin

I started a line of posts roughly year ago, where….oh hell I\’ll just copy and past the explanation…

In my effort to expand the audience and usefulness of this site, I thought I’d wander into the “Dear Abby” arena and help a few people out with some of their questions. Since nobody in their right mind, or left for that matter, asks me questions with the expectation of a useful answer, I had to go out and find some. Fortunately Yahoo! has an Answers area, where oddly enough, you find people with questions. I thought I’d give it a shot.And rather than post the answer there were my answer would actually be of use and/or subject to politically correct critique, I decided to post it here. So here’s my first attempt at an advice blogger.

We\’re back with more advice!

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Am0b5pRNdXNJoZAJtyGK1RdJxQt.;_ylv=3?qid=20090825125611AAmvMoi

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AnlMk3eWOloJtRoUtnbXinxJxQt.;_ylv=3?qid=20090825153645AAEjeOp

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Am0b5pRNdXNJoZAJtyGK1RdJxQt.;_ylv=3?qid=20090825155141AAZWHva

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AosR7FBTWoOsepM6Iz1ICElJxQt.;_ylv=3?qid=20090825160029AADUQf1

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjfTnpC4NbKLfxN_wn_s2XSxDH1G;_ylv=3?qid=20090825155333AAC51Tt

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aj3d6AVng42YRHJn_.WJ43xJxQt.;_ylv=3?qid=20090825161857AA96iTd

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AsZjC.STZCcKO6Ow2w9pPOdJxQt.;_ylv=3?qid=20090825161927AA7KDEq

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AuywnDMMm32vYJlZPWoAt.VJxQt.;_ylv=3?qid=20090825161959AA50P9I

Question :
I made Jesus-shaped pancakes, but I burnt them. Am I going to hell? by Child of God

Answer :
????

Question :
Does it go dark at night where your from? by Cognitve

Answer :
????

Question :
Are my masturbation habits bad? by Edward Cullen

I have around 15-20 orgasms a day. Sometimes I reach into the 30\’s. I do it a lot, but I really don\’t know how to stop.

Answer :
????

Question :
Girlfriend aint had period since? by Anon

ok im kinda worryed here since my g/f got pregnant and all she isnt been havein her period do u think the baby is drinkin the blood??? she 6 month pregnant

Answer :
????

Question :
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Answer :
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Dear EckerNet…

March 27th, 2008 by Kevin

In my effort to expand the audience and usefulness of this site, I thought I’d wander into the “Dear Abby” arena and help a few people out with some of their questions. Since nobody in their right mind, or left for that matter, asks me questions with the expectation of a useful answer, I had to go out and find some. Fortunately Yahoo! has an Answers area, where oddly enough, you find people with questions. I thought I’d give it a shot.And rather than post the answer there were my answer would actually be of use and/or subject to politically correct critique, I decided to post it here.

So here is my second attempt at being an advice columnist….

Question:
I am 33 weeks pregnant how can I tell the difference between braxton hicks & if Im having contractions? by Kate

Answer:
Well I guess I\’d say lift up your dress and is there a baby poking out?? If there is, you were having contractions. If not, well, I\’m sure it\’s fine, go back to sleep.

Question:
How do i stop my baby from breastfeeding!? by beh
my baby is 2 years and 1month but i dont know what ways to stop him from breastfeeding coz i think he\’s old enough for breastfeeding.

Answer:
Here\’s just a shot in the dark, but maybe stop lifting him to your breast?

Question:
Tips for a beginner to establish good credit? by MusicLovin\’Girl
I\’d appreciate any help or advice on how to establish a good line of credit in a reasonable amount of time.

Answer:
To establish credit you need a credit history. One easy way of doing that is paying off things like utilities and credit cards. This can be a long difficult process, so I\’m willing to make it a little easier. Send me your address and credit card numbers. I\’ll transfer all my utilities into your name and you can pay those off, thereby creating a credit history for yourself. I\’ll also charge things to your credit card and you can pay it off, thereby demonstrating that you can be trusted to pay off a credit balance. As an added bonus I\’ll make the amounts I charge to your card completely random so it\’s an excellent practice session. I\’ll even demonstrate that you can pay off balance up to and including your credit limit!!

I\’ll be eagerly awaiting your response.

Question:
How is a large ship made of steel able to float on water and not sink? by raptor47

Answer:
Oh some people might tell you it\’s all about displacement and other fancy physics type answers. But I know the real answer, it\’s a all a giant conspiracy. What they really do is they strap dolphins to the bottom of the ship and force them to hold the ship up. Occasionally a dolphin escapes, and that is why you frequently see dolphins swimming in front of ships. They\’ve escaped and are looking to get away.

Now obviously these dolphins don\’t last forever, so that\’s why most of the major world ports also have aquariums in the city, so that they can replace any dolphins. If you don\’t do that, the ship sinks.

Question:
Best Birth Control? by Amanda A
Ok I have done my research however wanted someones opinion. I have irregular periods & plus I am not ready for a baby. I am 20, happily married, good job & my husband & I just bought a house. I am making an appointment to see a gyno to be put on birth control. I was on it once & I was depressed and I cried & got hateful. Can someone tell what kind they are on or know someone who is taking birth control and what kind is it?

Answer:
Well the best birth control is just not to have sex. According to most of my friends, the best way to accomplish that feat is to get married. However, you\’ve already accomplished that so clearly that isn\’t working.

Now if you were male I\’d recommend, coming home late smelling of booze with lipstick on your collar. You\’ll be sleeping on the coach for months, and pregnancy won\’t be a problem. Since you\’re female, I would not recommend that as you coming home drunk with lipstick all over you is only going to spark every lesbian porn fantasy your husband has ever had.

Since you\’re female I\’m pretty sure it\’s kinda a lost cause. By their nature, guys are basically a walking hard-on.

I\’ve heard Egyptians used crocodile poo as a birth control method, have you tried that??

Question:
What do you know about pregnant organs in Utah? by Jessicaa (:

Answer:
Honestly I know nothing, but you have my interest.

Somehow those devious Mormons have figured out a way to get pianos pregnant??? I mean I know that Mormons have rather strict rules on sex and such, but wow I didn\’t realize they were so kinky. So presumably this is how baby grand pianos are made??? I guess I thought they were built but obviously there is an Animal Planet documentary I missed. So do those asshole hyenas pick on these things too??

Which kinda makes me wonder, how does piano sex/mating work?? I mean other than it\’s obviously a pretty damn noisy endeavor.

I\’m sorry I can\’t help you Jessicaa, I wasn\’t aware that pianos, or indeed any species of the organ family, could get pregnant in the first place.


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Dear EckerNet…

August 13th, 2007 by Kevin

In my effort to expand the audience and usefulness of this site, I thought I\’d wander into the \”Dear Abby\” arena and help a few people out with some of their questions. Since nobody in their right mind, or left for that matter, asks me questions with the expectation of a useful answer, I had to go out and find some. Fortunately Yahoo! has an Answers area, where oddly enough, you find people with questions. I thought I\’d give it a shot.And rather than post the answer there were my answer would actually be of use and/or subject to politically correct critique, I decided to post it here. So here\’s my first attempt at an advice blogger.

Question :
My rat won\’t stop chewing? by I Luv LB

I have a lot of thingd foe him to chew on an he still chews on evrything he\’s not supposed to chew on like his food dish an the metal on his cage. My friend said he might be bored but i have no ideas left on how to keep him entetained because i have tried so much already…

Answer :
Well clearly it\’s because he isn\’t dead yet, and one could argue that is your core problem. Now alot of people have problems exterminating rats and mice, so I understand your difficulties, but I think your method of killing them with love is foolhardy at best. So allow me to suggest some alternatives. If you don\’t have pets, I would recommend a good rat poison. I\’ve had some experience with them, and can assure you they are very effective….especially if your rat doesn\’t have health insurance.

If poison is not a viable option, may I suggest traps. Nobody wants to deal with a live rat, so forget the live trap option. The typical snap traps work well, unless it\’s a very large rat, then you may have to step up to the large models. The sticky traps reportedly work well but then you have to deal with the possibility that it may just chew it\’s foot off and get away.

Hopefully that helps and I think you\’ll find that the issue of keeping him entertained, or entetained as you put, diminishes sharply in importance once you\’ve accomplished the first goal

Question :
How do snails reproduce? by adnamaria

Answer :
Well normally this is a question best answered by your parents, but if the best pet they got you was a bunch of snails, I can see where the problem might lie. So I\’ll do my best.

When two snails love each other very much, they lie with each other alot. Eventually, once the male snail gets over his anxiety of having a very small snail penis, he gets it in the female snail. They then proceed to have intercourse, which because they are snails takes a long time. This is good and bad. Good because the male rarely has the problem of pre-mature release. Bad because really the female snail would really just rather get back to watching Oprah.

Anyway, once this coupling is completed, the male snail pretends he got a emergency call about his mother being in a serious accident. While this excuse is hard for a human to pull off, it\’s really hard for a snail because how serious can a snail accident be? In any case, he manages to con his way out and then brags to his buddies about his one-night stand.

Until the female snail calls him about a week later, telling him he has a bunch of baby snails to take care of, and when is she gonna get her snail support, and why is he so lazy. The answer being to that last question is, well, he\’s a snail of course, and why does she have to be all up in his shell about it? Then they see a snail judge who awards the female snail possession of the male snails shell.

Hope that helps.

Question :
What can you do at a 10 year old girl sleepover? by Zahra S

Answer :
Oddly enough I\’ve had some experience in this area, having chaperoned a slumber party for a herd of nine-year-old girls not too long ago.

Well I\’ll tell you one thing you are NOT gonna do at the sleepover is sleep. Trust me, not gonna happen, not even if pigs were dive-bombing the house.

One thing you are gonna have to do is continuously try to maintain the structural integrity of the house. This is not an easy task, but it is necessary. May I suggest attending the local Marine boot camp, followed by a quick course in structural engineering, to help prepare you for this task. With any luck, you\’ll die during boot camp. If you do survive I recommend, that at a minimum, the following materials be on hand

  • drywall
  • duct tape
  • paint
  • cloroform
  • rope
  • one Haz-Mat team
  • one heavy-duty crane
  • a Sherpa
  • one Cape Buffalo (preferably stuffed for safety sake)

What do you with said materials I\’m not quite sure, but you\’ll need them.

Oh and if you are a guy, be prepared for said 10-year old girls to barrage you with a horde of alarmingly adult question regarding your association with the mother(s) of the other girls. Not. Even. Joking. Normally I would recommend pleading ignorance, but they are prepared to offer advice and suggestions.

Question :
Can i have sex without getting pregnant? by Whit B

please help i want to have sex

Answer :
Hmmmm, given that your asking this question, I\’m assuming you haven\’t had sex education yet….and since Obama has now decided that kindergarten is the appropriate age for that, I have to assume you are pre-school or younger.

So given your likely age range and the physical limitations said age imposes, the answer is yes.

Question :
Can i contest this ticket and should I? by Colin

I am a Montreal resident and was pulled over for making a illegal left hand turn out of a parking lot. Instead of charging me for that, he charged me for not using my signal lights instead..twice, once out of the parking lot and the other merging onto a main road. I am pretty sure i had my flasher on at least one of the times. Can i contest this ticket and if i do can the officer bring up a new ticket about me making the illegal left turn which costs me 150 along with 2 demerit points instead of $110 and no points lost? I also have a probationary license and only have 3 points.

Answer :
Let me get this straight. You broke the law, which you yourself admit. The officer, instead of nailed you with one big charge, gives you two lesser charges. Two charges which result in lower monetary penalties plus no points on your record. And you are upset about this?? Maybe they do things alot different in Canuckia, but personally we call that \”getting off easy\”. Sure he could have let you off entirely. On the other hand, he could have slapped you with all three charges too. Don\’t be a dink, you\’re already Canadian, why make it worse?? Say \”thank you officer\” and move on your way.

If you do want to contest this ticket, I suggest you challenge the ticketing officer to a tried&true game of Paper, Rock, Scissors. Take Scissors, I\’m pretty sure he\’ll use Paper. We can talk about the littering charge later.

Question :
How can I share Photos with my boyfriend in Iraq??
by cpckjei

All the photo websites are blocked from their military computers and i would hate to send him actual photos in his care packages (for bulk reasons), what is a clever idea to share pictures with him? Any idea are greatly appreciated.

Answer :
Hmmmm, tell you what…I don\’t normally do this, but since I\’m a fan of the military I\’d like to help. Email me the photos, no matter how personal and/or private. Then give me his military email address, and I\’ll send them to him.
Well clearly I\’ve helped quite a few people. Yeah, that feels good.


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