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I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.

Thomas Jefferson

So stop the damn bailouts a-holes!

How generous….Lord Obama makes the most overly redundant decision possible regarding Israel.

U.S. President-elect Barack Obama\’s administration will offer Israel a \”nuclear umbrella\” against the threat of a nuclear attack by Iran, a well-placed American source said earlier this week. The source, who is close to the new administration, said the U.S. will declare that an attack on Israel by Tehran would result in a devastating U.S. nuclear response against Iran.

Wow, really going out on a limb there huh?

So if someone nukes Israel, THEN we\’ll act by nuking them??  I probably don\’t need to point out that one of the worst kept secrets in world politics, is that Israel has lots of nuclear weapons of it\’s own.  So making this promise is sorta like telling Rambo that if someone shoots and kills him, we promise we\’ll shoot them in return.  You\’re not exactly promising much, and unfortunately for your action to be necessary requires the worst to happen.

Although I\’m am a little curious what His Holiness plans to aim our nuclear weapons towards.  Sure enough after Israel launches its likely posthumous counter-attack, there isn\’t going to much left of Iran…short of a few radioactive cockroaches.

And for a man that promises change and hope, it\’s a little sad that the best He can offer is M.A.D. (Mutually Assured Destruction), a doctrine that began back in the 1950s.  Not exactly what one expects from a man who promises to change the world.

However, the one drawback to the M.A.D. doctrine is that it assumes (indeed requires) a rational opponent.  It only works when your enemy fears the destruction of himself.  The big drawback is that this requirement doesn\’t apply when your enemy thinks they are fighting a religious war and that their personal destruction is just part of the process.  Doesn\’t exactly inspire confidence (or hope) does it?

As if a strategy of questionable effectiveness wasn\’t bad enough, it also pretty clearly indicates the frame of mind in the Obama administration.  One of the basic facts in this scenario is that Iran possesses nuclear weapons.  Meaning an Obama Administration appears likely to simple cede that issue without dispute.  While technically that is change, it\’s certainly not the change one would like…and it clearly doesn\’t inspire much hope.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November

RE: Christmas Party

I m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…please feel free to sing along.

And don’t be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our Holiday Party. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn\’t sign your name. I m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, \”AA Only,\” you wouldn\’t be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I\’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. people I love are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with pleasantly upbeat men. Each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the pleasantly upbeat men’s table too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply \”No Sugar\” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*ckin Employees

DATE: 8 November

RE: The F*ckin Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I\’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the \”grill of death\”, as you so quaintly put it. You’ll get your f*ckin salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you slice them. I\’ve heard them scream. I’m f*ckin hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drink, drive and die!

The grumble and/or bemoan fate from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: John Bishop – Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 9th November

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I\’ll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

It was announced that Marian Gaborik will return to the Minnesota Wild for this Wednesday\’s game against the Calgary Flames.  He\’s missed the past 27 games recovering from a \”lower body injury\”, which I can only assume was a hysterectomy.

With many fans becoming increasingly frustrated with Gaborik\’s lengthy annual injuries, it should be very interesting what sort of reception he receives upon his return.  I wouldn\’t be surprised in the least if he\’s booed.  As one of the people attending that game I\’d be tempted, even if it does violate all sorts of etiquette.

But we do need him to desperately start playing to prove he\’s recovered from his latest injury.  Probably 10 games would be sufficient.  Although if they don\’t have a trade worked out shortly thereafter I fear Gaborik\’s glass groin may make another season ending appearance.

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,

\”Master, may I grant you one wish?\”

Osama responded, \”You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don\’t you know who I am? I don\’t need any common woman giving me anything.\”

The shocked genie said, \”Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.\”

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, \”Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.\” The annoyed genie said, \”So be it!\” and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

Earlier this month, Senator Ted \”Drunk Driving\” Kennedy left the Judiciary Committee to concentrate on healthcare legislation.  Aside from the irony of someone who left their own secretary to die wanting to concentrate on health care, this undoubtably means that Democrats will not be pushing for \”comprehensive immigration reform\” this session.  With one of their leading Democrats essentially swearing off the immigration issue, their Republican leader (McCain) essentially neutered and the White House CoS not included immigration as one of their priority items, the immigration issue is likely to remain sidelined for the next two years at least.

That\’s good and bad.

Good because we don\’t have to worry about McCain and his merry band of Democrats essentially making Mexico the 51st state.

On the other hand, if the immigration issue is to be sidelined that means further enforcement measures are likely to get sidelined as well.  The authorization for the fence expires soon and very little of it has been built, regardless of what the Department of Homeland Security claims.  The authorization for E-Verify, one of our most effective enforcement tools, is set to expire on March 6th, 2009.  And our open borders policy, in practice if not officially, continues and the hordes continue to flood.

The economy is sliding downward and layoffs continue.  In November 533,000 jobs were lost.  So far in December we\’ve lost 115,000.  Yet in November we imported 140,000 more foreign workers.

One of the big arguments by the open borders crowd was always that we needed foreign workers because we didn\’t have enough people to fill all the jobs we have.  We had jobs Americans won\’t do.  We can\’t even employ the people we already have.  What possible reason would we have to continue to allow foreign workers to flood across our borders and take jobs from Americans?  Especially when removing those foreign workers improves working conditions for the Americans that will fill those jobs instead.

We can\’t wait for Obama and the rest of the Democrats to decide that they have time for immigration now.  Let\’s lean on them now to make a move that will help save American jobs, rather than just spend us into oblivion.

The Rankings Are As Follows:

• Drunkguy :5
• NightWriter :5
• Triple “I Whine Like A Child” A : 5
• Dan S : 4
• Lloyd :4
• Mall Diva : 3
• Professor_Rackmaster : 2
• jroosh : 2
• Harvey : 2
• Bogus Doug : 2
• Aelfheld : 2
• Sola-Man : 2
• Bobby_B : 2
• Uncle Ben : 1
• Tiger Lilly : 1
• J Ewing : 1
• kingdavid : 1
• tommy g : 1
• spurringirl : 1

For this contest you get to make up your own answers!! That’s right…just pretend you’re a real life journalist and just make shit up. Post answers in the comments. They will be judged on creativity, plausibility and humor.

Question : What is happening here???

Previous contests

blah

61% of American against a bailout.  House Leader Pelosi says not doing a bailout is not an option.  In related news, Pelosi unsure how Congress has a 12% approval rating under her barely detectable leadership.

The blogosphere is now complete….a blog dedicated to showcasing hot anchor babes.

Our education system provides a great lesson for our children.  If you fail, just cover it up.

Unions have decided that maybe it\’s okay if auto makers don\’t have to pay their employees when they aren\’t working….ok they still have to, at least until the worker has laid on his ass for a certain amount of time.

GM, Chrysler possibly maybe almost willing to be treated like any other business….as long as they receive a huge bailout.

Israel preparing to strike Iran, US be damned.  Possibility of success : Unfavorable.  Likelihood the US will actually do anything to stop them if they attempt it?  Non-existent.

Zogby confirms….Obama voters are uninformed morons.  Yet another survey confirms what Zogby found.

A global warming conference will generate 13,000 tons of carbon.  If the scientific evidence against global warming wasn\’t enough, then the hypocrisy of the global warming hoaxers should be.  Or perhaps these 650 scientists speaking out against the Global Warming hoax.

An Obama presidency may be the best thing for Bush\’s legacy that there could be.

Good breakdown of how politicians use the down-trodden to look out for their own.

To buy those \”12 Days Of Christmas\” gifts would cost $86,000 this year.

I\’m almost prepared to forgive Burger King for that creepy King character in their commercials.  They\’ve come up with a way to piss off liberals with their latest commercial.

A probably non-satirical portrayal of how Obama picked his National Security team.

If only Muslim organizations got half as worked up about actual terrorists, as they do about cartoons, paintings, pictures, or toys depicting them.

PSA : If you\’ve found a shipping container with 130,000 breast implants that was lost somewhere between Beijing and Sydney, please contact Ralph magazine.

Amsterdam is closing brothels, sex shops and marijuana cafes to prevent damage to it\’s tourist trade.  I strongly suspect it will have the exact opposite effect.

You\’d think with Democrats now firmly in control, conservative radio hosts would be content with the additional material and audience their show will naturally draw.  Apparently not, as Medved as completely lost it and started attacking Rush Limbaugh.  Chances that will end will for Medved?? 0%

So when it\’s Republicans misbehaving it\’s evidence of a Culture of Corruption©.  When it\’s Democrats misbehaving it\’s putting your superiors in \”an uncomfortable position\”.  Nope, no bias here.

Liberal \”tolerance\”….it\’s a beautiful and slightly disturbing thing.

Imagine that…homeowners that were irresponsible with their original mortgage didn\’t do so well with their government assisted mortgage either.

The old Greek mythological tales of the Gods were full of the Gods fighting and backstabbing each other.  So why should Obama\’s cast of characters on Mt. Olympus be any different?

Joe the Plumber didn\’t like McCain at all.  Wow, well since conservatives didn\’t even like McCain, does this really surprise anyone??  Seriously.

SCHOOL SCANDAL!!!  A school is letting kids know that instead of just curling up in a ball and waiting for a school shooter to kill them, it\’s okay to at least try to defend yourself.  That\’s it….that\’s the scandal.  Yeah, our education system is completely fucked….and they\’re raising the biggest generation of feel-good pansies ever.

A new source of stem cells has been found….harvesting them from men\’s testicles.  According to the German researcher that figured it out, there is absolutely no ethical problem with this new source.  Hmmmm, I know the Germans are hardy, but somehow I think chopping men\’s balls off presents quite a few problems.

If you took all the pork being pushed on taxpayers by America\’s mayors and put them all in one list using very tiny font, how long you think that list would be?? 100 pages? 500?  Try 803.

A new police car!!  Pros : It looks really bad ass.  Cons : It\’s gonna be damned impossible for me to pick it out of traffic before he pulls me over for speeding.

Rezko is singing like a bird.  He\’s dirty as hell and he\’s been friends with Obama for decades.  So Obama is a horrible judge of character and/or he has lots of reasons to be worried.

Speaking of reasons to be worried.  Obama claims he has had no contact with Blago recently right??  Well photos say otherwise.

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up — 3 of them. I picked out….a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw..my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it..it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer– no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer\’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn\’t want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set before hand…kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when…

I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head –almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal –like a horse –strikes at you with their hooves and you can\’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down,

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

All these events are true so help me God…

Sincerely,

Chuck O\’Hearn

[via Hunter7 at twincitiescarry.com]