EckerNet.Com

In my effort to expand the audience and usefulness of this site, I thought I’d wander into the “Dear Abby” arena and help a few people out with some of their questions. Since nobody in their right mind, or left for that matter, asks me questions with the expectation of a useful answer, I had to go out and find some. Fortunately Yahoo! has an Answers area, where oddly enough, you find people with questions. I thought I’d give it a shot.And rather than post the answer there were my answer would actually be of use and/or subject to politically correct critique, I decided to post it here.

So here is my second attempt at being an advice columnist….

Question:
I am 33 weeks pregnant how can I tell the difference between braxton hicks & if Im having contractions? by Kate

Answer:
Well I guess I\’d say lift up your dress and is there a baby poking out?? If there is, you were having contractions. If not, well, I\’m sure it\’s fine, go back to sleep.

Question:
How do i stop my baby from breastfeeding!? by beh
my baby is 2 years and 1month but i dont know what ways to stop him from breastfeeding coz i think he\’s old enough for breastfeeding.

Answer:
Here\’s just a shot in the dark, but maybe stop lifting him to your breast?

Question:
Tips for a beginner to establish good credit? by MusicLovin\’Girl
I\’d appreciate any help or advice on how to establish a good line of credit in a reasonable amount of time.

Answer:
To establish credit you need a credit history. One easy way of doing that is paying off things like utilities and credit cards. This can be a long difficult process, so I\’m willing to make it a little easier. Send me your address and credit card numbers. I\’ll transfer all my utilities into your name and you can pay those off, thereby creating a credit history for yourself. I\’ll also charge things to your credit card and you can pay it off, thereby demonstrating that you can be trusted to pay off a credit balance. As an added bonus I\’ll make the amounts I charge to your card completely random so it\’s an excellent practice session. I\’ll even demonstrate that you can pay off balance up to and including your credit limit!!

I\’ll be eagerly awaiting your response.

Question:
How is a large ship made of steel able to float on water and not sink? by raptor47

Answer:
Oh some people might tell you it\’s all about displacement and other fancy physics type answers. But I know the real answer, it\’s a all a giant conspiracy. What they really do is they strap dolphins to the bottom of the ship and force them to hold the ship up. Occasionally a dolphin escapes, and that is why you frequently see dolphins swimming in front of ships. They\’ve escaped and are looking to get away.

Now obviously these dolphins don\’t last forever, so that\’s why most of the major world ports also have aquariums in the city, so that they can replace any dolphins. If you don\’t do that, the ship sinks.

Question:
Best Birth Control? by Amanda A
Ok I have done my research however wanted someones opinion. I have irregular periods & plus I am not ready for a baby. I am 20, happily married, good job & my husband & I just bought a house. I am making an appointment to see a gyno to be put on birth control. I was on it once & I was depressed and I cried & got hateful. Can someone tell what kind they are on or know someone who is taking birth control and what kind is it?

Answer:
Well the best birth control is just not to have sex. According to most of my friends, the best way to accomplish that feat is to get married. However, you\’ve already accomplished that so clearly that isn\’t working.

Now if you were male I\’d recommend, coming home late smelling of booze with lipstick on your collar. You\’ll be sleeping on the coach for months, and pregnancy won\’t be a problem. Since you\’re female, I would not recommend that as you coming home drunk with lipstick all over you is only going to spark every lesbian porn fantasy your husband has ever had.

Since you\’re female I\’m pretty sure it\’s kinda a lost cause. By their nature, guys are basically a walking hard-on.

I\’ve heard Egyptians used crocodile poo as a birth control method, have you tried that??

Question:
What do you know about pregnant organs in Utah? by Jessicaa (:

Answer:
Honestly I know nothing, but you have my interest.

Somehow those devious Mormons have figured out a way to get pianos pregnant??? I mean I know that Mormons have rather strict rules on sex and such, but wow I didn\’t realize they were so kinky. So presumably this is how baby grand pianos are made??? I guess I thought they were built but obviously there is an Animal Planet documentary I missed. So do those asshole hyenas pick on these things too??

Which kinda makes me wonder, how does piano sex/mating work?? I mean other than it\’s obviously a pretty damn noisy endeavor.

I\’m sorry I can\’t help you Jessicaa, I wasn\’t aware that pianos, or indeed any species of the organ family, could get pregnant in the first place.