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Well the Democrats have defeated the John Doe amendment, which would have provided some immunity to those that reported suspicious behavior.  For example, if you were an airline passenger reporting the activities of a bunch of flying imams who were blatantly acting like terrorists, you would be protected from later being sued by them.

As a result, I think it\’s safe to say that life has officially changed for those of us that value public safety, including our own.  But obviously the Democrats value….well, we\’re not sure what, over your safety.  So you must perpare for travel much differently now and as a public service we offer these pieces of advice.

• Ignore suspicious activity….you regard it as suspicious only because you\’re a bigot, you hate-filled bastard.
• Please avoid eye contact with anyone…or anything…actually it\’s best if you just walk around blind-folded from now on.
• If someone asks you to carry something onto the plane for them, just who do you think you are to say no??  You\’re a selfish bastard that\’s what.
• If you find it necessary to speak, make sure your speech is approved in advance by at least six lawyers of impossible levels of diversity
• Any time you move, you should profusely apologize to everyone around you.
• If you don\’t move, you should also apologize.
• Actually just apologize for existing
• Remember, it\’s the quiet ones you have to watch…so pay no attention to the explosive vest laden young man screaming \”Allah Ackbar!!\”….he\’s just a very happy person.
• Nobody likes a tattletale, so don\’t tell!!!
• Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain
• Ask yourself \”Would speaking up help the US in the War on Terror?\”, if the answer is anything but no, keep your damn mouth shut you overly patriotic right-wing extremist
• Unless you are member of their religion, you obviously are misunderstanding the intentions of the person who is currently cutting your head off.
• If someone asks you for a match, inform them that smoking is evil, unless they are holding a stick of dynamite….then gives them the match
• If you witness someone botching a terrorists attack, do not laugh…you might hurt their feelings.
• Never call the police about anything…remember they are just facist brownshirts who want to hurt you…unlike the nice enraged young man screaming \”Jihad!\” as he stones you.
• If you hear someone say \”All infidels must die!\” they aren\’t referring to you….even if they mention you by name, address and social security number.

We hope this helps make your travel experience more pleasant.

[Kevin Ecker is a internationally published author who can be read worldwide at EckerNet.Com.  Be sure to read his other travel advisories \"101 Fun Buttons To Push In the Cockpit\" and \"How To Check A Marlin As Carry-On Luggage\"]

I ran across a rather interesting hypothetical question recently

How long would you have lived in the middle ages? Ignore all the general risks – like typhoid or the plague or cholera – that everyone would have faced in general. Let’s assume you were lucky and missed those. (Unless by some chance you actually DID face one of them in your life.) Also ignore the fact that your deadly injury might have been caused by modern technology, like an auto accident. Just pretend you were trampled by a horse or something. So, given the injuries and illness you’ve faced in your life so far: Did you make it? Would you have survived to your current age?

Hmmm, I guess I would have to give a very hypothetical maybe…but I suspect I would have died at the ripe ol\’ age of 21. Although my death has nothing to do with the usual privileges that come with that age. Although had I survived I would probably be crippled with pain by my late 20s or possibly dead from complications of said condition.

I\’m slightly curious about the two times I\’ve had to have gashes in my head (explains alot doesn\’t it?) closed with stitches when I was a kid. Considering how much head wounds bleed how much blood would I have lost without the benefits of modern medicine?? Most likely I\’d be fine, but I\’m slightly curious how close it would be.

I rather suspect that I would have had about a 50-50 chance at the age of 21. At that time due to a exploding battery I suffered first, second and third degree (you name it, I had it) burns to a large portion of my left leg. Fortunately thanks to modern medicine it was a relatively simple, albeit painful, recovery process. But given how easily burns can become infected, especially in the less than sanitary conditions which were common at the time, I suspect I might have run into problems relatively quickly.

Assuming I survived the burns that I would almost certainly be paralyzed with the pain. In my mid-20s it was discovered that I had a, fortunately non-malignant, growth that was both painful plus starting to put pressure on surrounding organs. Thanks to modern medicine it was removed and there have been no ill effects. Had it not been removed without doubt by now the pain would be overwhelming. Or possibly the increased pressure on surrounding organs would have caused potentially fatal complications by now.

End result being, I\’d either be a screaming cripple by now, or dead. Thank you modern medicine!!  Anyone got me beat in the worm food business?

[H/T to Harvey for the heads-up on hypothetical]

It is fatal to enter any war without the will to win it.Douglas MacArthur

The Rankings Are As Follows:

• Triple \”I Whine Like A Child\” A : 5
• Dan S : 3
• NightWriter : 3
• Mall Diva : 3
• Harvey : 2
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• Sola-Man : 2
• Bobby_B : 2
• Drunkguy : 2
• Lloyd : 1
• tommy g : 1
• spurringirl : 1

For this contest you get to make up your own answers!! That\’s right…just pretend you\’re a real life journalist and just make shit up. Post answers in the comments. They will be judged on creativity, plausibility and humor.

Question : Who is invading whom?

Previous contests

I understand that Homeland Security Secretary (and professional fuckup) Michael Chertoff has been busy.  Busy sitting on his ass having \”gut feelings\” about terrorists attacks.  He might not have to rely on \”gut feelings\” though if he knew who and what was coming across our borders.

Well as it turns out he\’s finally getting around to that.

Construction on the wall already has begun in Arizona, Chertoff said. Washington aims to have \”operational control\” of the border by 2013 by building the 700-mile (1,120-km) wall along parts of the frontier and creating a \”virtual fence\” in desert areas with drones, sensors, cameras, satellite technology and vehicle barriers.

Oh good, cause I was getting worried ya know.  I mean it\’s only almost SIX YEARS after 9/11.  I\’d hate to know how long it would take if it weren\’t a priority and you weren\’t mandated by law (Secure Fence Act of 2006).  Good to know you\’re right on top of these things.

But wait…

In heavily Hispanic southern Texas, where cultural and economic ties to Mexico run deep, local officials, business groups and environmentalists have spoken out against the wall as unnecessary and unwanted.

But Chertoff said national security was at stake, so the project will move ahead shortly.

So let me get this straight….national security is at stake, and you are mandated by law to address….plus it\’s your damn job, but you\’re going to give decision making power to the locals who may have sympathies with the exact persons this fence is designed to stop.  Yeah, I see nothing wrong with that plan at all.

What purpose was this Homeland Security Department supposed to serve again?? Because certainly Homeland Security doesn\’t appear to be their primary concern.

I think our Senate consists of the most pampered collection of self-important asshats that was ever collected. Today I finally got the chance to read summaries of what I missed during parts of the Senate\’s slumber party last night. And frankly I\’m almost embarassed…mostly for the Democrats, but also some Republicans.

This money quote by Harry Reid pretty much sums it up…

\”I would hope that these past two days have shined a bright light on how important our work here is in the Senate.\”

Really?? To who?? You?? You got together to discuss the Iraq War…let me clear something up here….your part of this tale isn\’t the important part. The important part is being handled by the adults….the ones that wear the cammies, you remember them right??? The ones you claim to support. Yeah them. YOUR job is not important, THEY are the important ones. YOU are just a self-important asshole.

And what\’s with the gimic of rolling in cots and pizzas and such?? Trying to demonstrate how hard you have it?? Let me fill you in on something. What do you think our troops sleep on?? What do you think they eat?? Chances are your cot is more comfortable and your pizza is more tasty than what they have. Spare me the routine. Boo-Hoo, you stayed up late. So do our troops. You\’re not putting on any grand display of suffering here.

If you really care about our troops, you\’d stop encouraging our enemies by making them think that if they just hold out for the next cloture vote they\’ll win.

UPDATE : Oh and I forgot, while you dumbasses were trying to figure out how to best pull the foreclose on our troops, they were out capturing a senior member of Al-Qaeda.

I\’ve long frequented The Capitolist and several times it\’s given me a heads up on upcoming issues.  For those of you not familiar with it, it\’s basically just a web forum where only people using Capital Hill IP addresses can post about whatever they want.  From the content of the messages posted there it varies from Congressional senior staff members to interns and all comments are anonymous.

You can\’t really use it as a source for anything because it\’s all anonymous and there is no way to contact the commenter and follow up.  Although I admit those type of problems have rarely stopped professional journalists from using verbatim quotes….or even local hacks pretending to be journalists.  But I hold a higher standard than them.

In any case you can get a general idea of the mood on Capital Hill or what sort of drama is happening behind closed doors.  This can be both good and bad.  During the immigration debate I could see what congressional staffers were saying and what sort of feedback they were getting.  But at the same time, most of the time the site tends to be a giant sausage fest where staffers trade information on which member of congress have the hottest female interns and how best to sleep with them.

That said, I couldn\’t help but give a sarcastic guffaw when I read the following comment (acronyms MoC = Member of Congress and CoS = Chief of Staff)….

Just got out of a meeting with our CoS. He was concerned about our MoC speaking with a reporter and criticizing the administration\’s policy on torture. The polling, he said, suggests that the American public is comfortable with torture, and thus we ought to be careful when criticizing torture. I was speachless.

Well you know, we can only see so many of our soldiers beheaded by a bunch of savages before we stop considering things like too much A/C torture.  And anyone that\’s been around kids for more than 5 minutes no longer considers loud music torture.  And anyone that has survived pulling an all-night study session probably knows that sleep deprivation only gets so bad.

Torture?? No most of us aren\’t comfortable with it, it\’s just that most of us don\’t consider the things you fret about torture.  We consider them mildly uncomfortable.  sure things like waterboarding would be scary as hell.  I guarantee I\’d fold, but then again there are alot of things that are scary as hell.  Meeting your date\’s parents for instance.  Or entering any mall when school isn\’t in session.  All very very scary, but I\’m not ready to convene the UN because of it.

So remember when I complained that there were efforts underway to hide the AgJobs bill in the 2007 Farm Bill?? Well that very night I sent a short email to both Senator Coleman and Senator Klobuchar. I have received a response from Senator Coleman….a boilerplate response talking about S.1348.

Ok, I don\’t mind boilerplate responses, he gets thousands of emails it only makes sense. But when someone sends you an email at least send a response related to their topic. And even if you\’re going to send one that is only remotely related, don\’t send one three weeks out of date because it talks about a bill that was defeated then.

That bill is dead, and thank goodness for that. Trying to beg off action on AgJobs by talking about how you liked the amnesty bill but couldn\’t eventually support it is just empty rhetoric. Speaking of empty…

While not a perfect bill, the Secure Borders, Economic Opportunity and Immigration Reform Act of 2007 (S. 1348) addresses the agricultural worker shortage by streamlining the agricultural guest worker program and making it more affordable and flexible. These reforms are largely based on the Agricultural Job Opportunities, Benefits, and Security ( AgJOBS ) Act of 2007. S. 1348 permits visas to be issued to assuage the year-round agricultural employment needs and has a specific class of visas for current undocumented agricultural workers that are willing to continue working for the next three to five years. Due to the serious labor shortages and the national interest aspects of our domestic food production and supply, these provisions would be implemented immediately upon enactment of the bill.

Ok first of all S.1348 is dead…so stop using that as a way to address my issues. And telling me that they are based on the AgJOBS bill demonstrates that you are clueless since that is the bill I was writing you to oppose. So needless to say, passing it isn\’t going to be the answer to my problems.

And before I let this go on too long, let\’s address a few issues right now. First of all, getting rid of illegals isn\’t going to significantly increase the cost of produce or any agricultural product. In fact even if the wages of agricultural workers increased by 40%, it would mean that the average family would only pay an additional $9 PER YEAR. And a side effect of that is that it would bring the wages of agricultural workers ABOVE the poverty line. So don\’t give me your \”national interest\” BS.

Secondly, what shortage?? Show me this shortage. It\’s a self-imposed shortage caused by farmers knowing they have a sea of cheap labor constantly reducing their wages. If those wages were increased they would find willing workers. And even if that isn\’t true, investing in technology that can accomplish the same task in a fraction of the time with a fraction of the staff is available.

Sorry but I don\’t buy either one. Your precious AgJobs bill belongs exactly where your precious amnesty bill got sent. Better luck next time.  Although to his credit, at least he responded….Klobuchar didn\’t bother, never has.  She doesn\’t even try to make excuses for her whole-hearted support for amnesty for criminals.
Oh and to anyone interested in the rest of the letter, it\’s below the fold…

(more…)

You\’re a social weasel that is clinically insane, and you\’re still stinging from your defeat in the 2000 elections.  You\’ve decided to convince the world that manbearpig man-made global warming is real and that the planet is dying because of mankind.  What do you do???

A) Declare the debate over…

2) Leave a carbon footprint big enough to bury Michael Moore

III) Serve a dangerously threatened species as the meal at your daughters wedding

Delta) All of the Above

If you picked Delta, you are learned to live life the Al Gore way…congrats, you win a free session with a therapist.