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Well it\’s an annual tradition to make new years resolutions. I did last year, and except for starting my own cult, making the FBIs most wanted list and breeding an army of rabid flying wombats, I think I can damn close to the rest of them.

• No more drinking duck farts. They are bad news. For those of you that don\’t know what a duck fart is, it\’s an alcoholic beverage. It is roughly the equivalent of having your friend wrap a block of ice in velvet and and having him bash you over the head with it while quacking.
• Discover the meaning of life….but write it down before I forget it this time
• Drink less soda….it leaves less room for beer
• Develop a filter for my mouth…this not having one is amusing most of the time, but the rest of the time I just get in trouble.
• Punch the Verizon guy in the liver
• Buy another weapon
• Find out why that guy in Nigeria who I sent all that money to hasn\’t replied to my emails.
• Get the gangrene in my arm looked at.
• Resolve my lawsuit with PETA
• Eat more paint
• Put away my Michael Moore Voodoo doll. I don\’t think he\’s human, and I can\’t find pins long enough to penetrate to something vital anyway
• Increase my carbon \”footprint\” to Al Gore level