December 17th, 2006 by Kevin
Thank you for visiting EckerNet.Com. We like to pretend that your privacy is very important to us, but to be realistic your privacy means as much to me as it does to your nosy neighbor. However, as part the illusion that we care about you, we\’ve created this policy to inform you of what we do with any information we may collect about you.
How We Collect Information
When you access this webpage, you automatically allow us to insert a small midget with eavesdropping equipment into your residence. Don\’t ask questions as to how this is done. It\’s very complicated, and it\’s classified. This midget will continue to record your every action within your home until either you discover him, or he dies of starvation (about a week). The problem is retrieving this data. You wouldn\’t believe how hard it is to pry a notebook from the hands of a dead decaying midget.
Of course, we have other methods as well. If you look really closely at the power light on your monitor, you\’ll find a tiny camera hidden inside. Really it\’s there, you just have to look harder. Keep looking until you find it. Really it\’s there. We\’ll wait for you to find the camera.
While we\’re waiting we\’ll also explain the other ways we collect information. We\’ve also tapped into a secret government network of spy satellites that are capable of seeing everything you do within your home. They really are kinda fun to play with, especially when your in the shower. By the way, I really don\’t think that one item (you know what I mean) is supposed to be used that way.
We also employ an elite group of Super Ninjas. At this moment they are doing all sorts of sneaky Ninja-type things to spy on you. If you look out the corner of your eye, you\’ll see the one scampering across your ceiling….or is that a spider? There is also one standing right behind you. Quick look behind you!!! Nope, your too slow, now he\’s in front of you. Once again too slow. Keep working at it.
There are probably easier ways to collect information but we don\’t use them. Basically because we don\’t know of them and we certainly aren\’t going to waste time figuring it out. Besides, it\’s really cool having a gang of Super Ninjas and midgets hanging around.
How We Use Information
Let me be perfectly honest. If I get any information about you I plan on immediately selling it to the highest bidder. Why should I turn down a quick buck at your expense? However, to be brutally honest, your a very boring person and nobody cares to know anything about you. Actually, Jan in Accounting wants to know your inseam, but we haven\’t negotiated a price yet.
In the event that some truly embarrassing information is gather about your (i.e. your an AOL user) we will make every effort to blackmail the most amount of cash from you. We will continue to do this until your a penniless, embittered, beaten-down shell of a human being. At this point we\’ll probably stop.
Most likely any information we may retrieve about you will be added to some dusty file that either we\’ve forgotten about or never knew existed. There it will sit until it is discovered and the above practices are attempted or it is accidentally deleted or Windows decides it\’s a perfectly decent file to utterly corrupt.
Cookies are good. There really is no other way around it. They are really good. Especially when they are just out of the oven and are nice and chewy. My favorites would be chocolate chip probably which, although they are pretty generic, are pretty damn yummy. Sugar cookies don\’t even deserve to be called cookies. They really are not very good at all.
Special Note to Parents
Your kids are whiny little brats. Tell that little one to shut up and stop making a racket. Can\’t you just lock them in a closet or something. The door isn\’t air-tight, they\’ll get air. Just toss the occasional potato chip in there and they\’ll be fine, they could lose weight anyway.
I don\’t suppose you can explain why the hell they have to run around like little Mongolian warriors on heroin? I\’ve seen bomb shelters that weren\’t meant to take this amount of pounding. And must they scream like a banshee in it\’s death throes? Honestly, 1000 decibels is too loud for anything. At this point, I would have to consider homicide a perfectly rational option. Also, could you perhaps keep them from destroying everything they touch? Even supernovas don\’t cause this much damage.
How to Contact Us
Well probably my first guess would be to click on the link that says \”Contact Me\” but that is really only a guess. I\’m sure that if you\’ve gotten this far your intelligent enough to figure it out. Feel free to prove me wrong and not bother me.