EckerNet.Com

OK so I’m sure most people have already heard about the “Heterosexual Questionnaire” that was given to a bunch of High School kids. Reading through the survey, you almost want them to just get to the point and say “Dude, just try it…everyone is doing it. How do you know you won’t like it? Just try it! Do it!!!”

Either way it’s a pretty messed up survey. Although it’s one I almost wish I had been given. It would be just one more chance for my smartass mouth (or fingers) to get me in trouble.

1) What do you think caused your heterosexuality

Probably the fact that I find women attractive. I think that’s a pretty defining characteristic.

2) When did you decide you were heterosexual?

Well I’m not really sure I sat down and decided on it. There wasn’t a town debate that I’m aware of. If I had to pinpoint the time I’d say when I was in my early teens and I hit puberty and merely the sight of an attractive woman induced temporary insanity.

3) Could it be that your heterosexuality is just a phase?

Well since the temporary insanity I referred to in the above question, continues to this day, I’m guessing no. But I’ll let you know if it clears up.

4) To whom have you disclosed your heterosexuality? How did they react?

Hmmm, I think I mentioned it to the woman I’m dating. She was pretty supportive of it.

5) If you have never slept with someone of your same gender, then how do you know you wouldn’t prefer it?

Probably because being in the locker room with other guys doesn’t induce temporary insanity. Besides, if those parts got me excited why would I even leave the house??

6) Is it likely that you just haven’t met the right same gender partner yet?

I’m still working on the perfect opposite gender partner right now (in the process of an extended interview at the moment), one step at a time.

7) Why do you flaunt your lifestyle with wedding rings, photos at work and talk of your heterosexual escapades?

Well I call it general conversation. Besides, it beats talking about the weather and/or politics. I guess if you are that interested in my lifestyle, I can tell you. So last weekend, we got together and ….

[EDITORS NOTE : The rest of this response has been editted in favor of keeping a PG-13 rating.]

Your heterosexuality doesn’t offend me as long as you don’t try to come on to me but why do so many heterosexuals try to seduce others to their orientation?

I’m not sure we’re really trying to seduce you to our orientation, as much as we’re just trying to seduce you. You see, in short men are pigs, and women are….well some form of cat, I think.

9) Considering the battering, abuse and divorce rate associated with heterosexual coupling, why would you want to enter into that kind of relationship?

Because I’m fairly certain the same thing happens to homosexuals. In fact I know it does. Watch a few episodes of COPS and you’ll find some domestic situations between gay couples. I know there are more cases of heterosexuals doing it…but there are also more heterosexuals.

10) Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

Because it’s fun.

Tonite, I go into battle. Granted my opponent is just some pansy lawyer who bloviates about letters to the Star&Sickle all day long. That right, it’s the first softball game between Team Ecker and Team Foot tonite in Eagan at an undisclosed location (right above Cheney’s bunker).

Beer will be drank and it will be good. It is not decided if I’m pitching tonite or not. But if I am, I promise the world I will do my best to bean Foot up the side of the head and save us all from further torture. Such is my duty.

TO : All Reporters
FROM : Editors
RE : New Scary Story

This summer we’re gonna be running story after story about alligator attacks. We want you all to milk each one way beyond what is justified. Please report all of them in the scariest terms possible because it makes for great ratings. Report each new one with a gusto. If one doesn’t happen, I don’t care if you have to throw toddlers into an alligator pen at the zoo.

For your reference, here are some other topics that despite not actually being a major danger, we were able to scare the public neurotic for an entire summer, copy and paste if necessary.
- Sharks
- SARS
- West Nile Disease
- Bird Flu
- Republicans Pass Another Draft

Thank you for your cooperation. Hopefully we’ll have all of America cowering in their homes by mid-June, even the ones that don’t live within 2 states of an actual alligator.

In dedication of President Bush’s speech this Monday trying to justify Amnesty:

“I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‘O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.’ And God granted”

- Voltaire

One of the biggest argument I’ve heard against building a wall on the border is that it won’t be effective. Snarky catchphrases such as “show me a 10 foot wall and I’ll show you a 11 foot ladder” or “we build a wall, they dig a tunnel” are fairly common.

I don’t mind those arguments because it demonstrates that they are ignorant of the point. The point isn’t to completely obstruct, it’s to discourage and/or delay. A properly built fence will discourage most people crossing. And it will delay the most determined. Delay them enough to give border control agents enough time to deploy to the area and apprehend the border crosser. For one of the best writeups I’ve read so far on how a fence would accomplish all this, check out Confederate Yankee.

Walls built as he describes are virtually maintenance free. And the portions that are susceptible to vandalism or damage are portions that any invading immigrant is unlikely to even get to before being apprehending.

Perhaps most importantly, the wall acts as a force multiplier. Suddenly a few agents can do what it took many agents to do previously. Since just the sight of it would discourage most, and greatly delay the rest, a few agents are able to enforce a greater portion of the border. Build a fence and suddenly Bush’s idea of proper staffing for Border Control isn’t quite as ridiculous.

The solution STARTS with a wall. Build that, and you are well on your way to slowing the invasion to a manageable trickle. Then we can figure out what to do with the criminals already in our mist. And despite what Bush and many Senate Republicans think, the answer for that doesn’t start with “A” and end with “mnesty”.

Can you imagine some guy going 90 mph on I-80 with these balloons trailing about a few yards behind him?

Instructions for a fun time on the interstate…………………

Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell….
Step 3. Watch people freak out !!!!

DISCLAIMER : Don’t actually do this…and when you do do it, it’s not my fault you dumbass.

Awhile back I proposed an immigration plan I thought would work. Today I read an article that almost point for point demonstrated that not only would it work, it would barely require any additional work on our part nor any new laws.

Fear of deportation is at an all-time high, she said, as rumors of raids by immigration agents sweep through the community almost daily. “I think it’s created a mental sickness, where people are depressed,” she said. “Who wants to be thinking any minute you’re going to be arrested?”

[...]

Police aren’t focusing on the laborers more now, said Rojas and other day laborers. It’s the employers who have changed. Crew chiefs have grown increasingly skittish about hiring illegal immigrants, they said, prompting more workers to try places like Florida and New Orleans instead.

Combine even the threat of deportation with employers unwilling to hire illegal immigrants and they will go elsewhere. In this case no additional legal risk has been forced upon employers, law enforcement is simply enforcing laws already on the books. They shown they are willing to nail employers and if they find illegals they’ll nail them too.

As a result illegals are going elsewhere. If done on a nationwide scale, what do you think the result would be? I’ll let an illegal answer that for me (it’s one of those jobs I won’t do)

Cordova, who has entered the United States illegally several times before, said he’s never had such a hard time finding work. If something doesn’t change soon, Cordova said, he’s going back to Guanajuato.

Overall, I think the purpose of the speech tonite was to save his spiraling popularity numbers and convince conservatives to support the plan the Senate is going to try to force through. On both of these counts, it is an overwhelming failure. Unfortunately, my prediction of his talking points was almost spot on, which I was hoping would not be the case.

Basically his speech tonite was a recitation of the bill that the Senate is working on. That bill is little more than the same bill that was passed back in 1986. And we all know how well that turned out. I’ve heard it said before that one definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If Bush thinks I’m going to support his plan, he is insane.

One point that was made over and over in his speech, was how urgent this issue is. Yet, he’s been in office over 5 years now, and we still haven’t accomplished a damn thing. If this issue is so urgent, why has NOTHING been done…not only not done, but not even attempted. This has been purposely ignored by this administration, and for them to now claim it’s urgent, smacks of insincerity. Normally, I can trust this administration to do what they say. If they say something, it’s gonna happen…for better or worse. For the first time, I find myself doubting their sincerity.

In general, I think with this speech he tripped to split the issues and come down on both sides. And when you try to do that, usually you fail on both accounts. And that was certainly the case with this speech.

But let’s get down to the speech…
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Ok along with a transcript of Bush’s speech, the RNC also distributed a copy of the press briefing regarding Bush’s speech….thought I’d pass it along to those of you that are not privy to such distribution.
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Here is a copy of the raw text of the Bush Speech….I’ll be referring to it later…
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