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Monday evening at 8 pm Eastern Time (that\’s 7 pm Central time for those of you midwesterners that attended public school), Mexican US President George Bush will be giving a speech that is widely expected to be regarding illegal immigration. An issue which, along with out of control spending, is one of them major reasons you see his public support at near record breaking lows and will be a topic of much debate this week in the Senate. Nobody really knows for certain what Bush will say on immigration, although there are plenty who have made guesses.

In that spirit I offer what I think Bush SHOULD say, and what he actually WILL say:

What Bush will say…

I propose the deployment of troops on the border
Ok I\’m fairly certain this will be the centerpeice of his speech, and rightly so. He\’s got to reel enough enough interested ears to hear the bullshit he\’s gonna shovel us for the rest of the speech. I\’m fairly certain he will actually deploy National Guard troops to the border, but it will be to appease real conservatives only. The number deployed will not be enough to make a difference and/or will be utilized in such a was as to have no impact.

I\’m not proposing Amnesty
Anyone that believes that the amnesty Bush is offering isn\’t amnesty, please stand up. Ladies and gentleman, I\’d like to present you with the 2006 nominees for The Most Gullible Person of the Year Award. President Bush, what you offer is, in fact, amnesty. If you don\’t believe me you might want to make sure your dictionary wasn\’t printed in Mexico.

They are doing jobs Americans won\’t do
Whoever thought of this line deserves an award for finding a way to insult the most number of Americans in a single sentence. And whoever thought that this line would work deserves a tour of the Howard Dean Center for the Absolutely Farking Nuts. Given a decent wage there is NO job that Americans won\’t do. And if Bush actually uses this line I wouldn\’t be surprised to see his support drop into the low twenties or even the upper teens.

We must offer immigrants a path to legalization
I\’m gonna get really pissed of atenjoy all the times he fails to mention he\’s talking about illegal immigrants rather than the legal variety. His path to legalization should be familiar with those of you that were around in 1986 when it was offered as the final solution to illegal immigration. This will come as a surprise to the millions of illegal immigrants who are marching in our streets demanding we hand over the country to them. And for those of you who attending public school and therefore don\’t understand history, I\’ll summarize my point…\”history repeats itself\”.

We can\’t deport 12 million immigrants
Once again, notice the lack of illegal. And if you put together a real immigration plan, you don\’t have to deport 12 million illegal immigrants. But then again, I rather suspect that Bush doesn\’t want those 12 million gone. After all, they work very well as cheap labor.

Mexico is our friend
I\’ve already decided I will not be enjoying any beverage while watching the speech or else this line will cause me to empty the contents of my mouth all over the TV screen. And since my dog is a booze-hound, I\’ll miss watching the rest of the speech when my dog knocks the TV over trying to get at the beer. But I digress….my point here is that friends generally don\’t invade each other. While we may be Mexico\’s friend (why I\’m not sure) but they certainly are not ours.

We need a guest worker program
Sure we might actually need one. But until we have control over our borders, let\’s not give the entire country of Mexico yet another reason to come flooding across our borders.

A wall is unworkable
My guess is he will try to claim that a wall won\’t work or for whatever reason is unfeasible. Nevermind that it is very feasible, even against religious fanatics, as Israel has already proven. Surely it will work against the peaceful people just trying to do a job American won\’t do? And considering that the Minutemen have already proven that it can be done cheaply by private industry, what\’s the problem? Oh yeah, it\’s a cheap workable solution to a big problem….certainly nothing our government would be interested in.

What Bush should say

I\’m gonna try enforcing the law for once
He hasn\’t done it so far, may as well give it a shot. Take the handcuffs off the INS and ICE and let them do their job. Actually deport those we catch and slap employers who break the law so hard their head spins.

Americans are hardworking and industrious
He should probably acknowledge that there are no jobs Americans won\’t do. And that Americans will work and they will work hard, and all they ask is to be compensated for their work. Therefore, for Americans able to work, there will be jobs out there for them rather than to the cheapest illegal immigrant that comes along.

I propose the deployment of troops on the border
Serious deployment of troops, in a manner and number that will actually make a difference.

We\’re building a wall, and enforcing the border…yesterday
The last time we attempted to address illegal immigration we were proposed border enforcement…it never came. As a result, most people are understandably untrusting of anything that doesn\’t involve actual border enforcment first. Promising actual enforcement, highlighting what exactly he is sending to Congress tomorrow, and then actually doing it will be the only thing to appease most people.

Letting illegal immigrants off the hook is amnesty
He needs to stress that those seeking a legal presence in the United States need to start by coming here legally. Amnesty is not an option and never will be. If you are here illegally, you need to fix that before attempting a legal presence in the United States. Asking for handouts has never been an admired trait and it will not become public policy here.

Immigration has to be reformed
Our system is busted. It\’s gonna be fixed. Once we get border control in place and we deal with our current population of illegals, we\’re reforming immigration to prevent this from ever happening again.