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Ok the Alito hearings are actually underway now. And since I made quite a stink about the mistake-whose-named-should-not-be-uttered that came before him, it probably merits some response. So here it goes.

This is boring!!

Seriously. I mean come on people. Liven it up a bit. I think the Democratic staffers need to rub their senators against Howard Dean, or something, before each hearing. Not that their questions would be any less agenda driven or any more coherent but at least they\’d be entertaining.

From my perspective, here\’s a transcript of the hearings that meets the Mapes Standard*.

Day One – RantingIntroductions :

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : I\’m gonna conduct fair and balanced hearings during which time I plan on going off on personal rants designed only to further my own political career. And I will let everyone else do the same, regardless of how disillusioned the rant is.

Despite having no evidence to support them, I will continuously express doubts about virtually everything you have to say. I do this not because I actually have doubts, but because it makes me look like my own man and I hope the Democrats will stop picking me last every time we play Senate kickball

: YEAH!!

: You\’re not Harriet Miers. So you got that going for you….which is nice. Personally I think you\’re wonderful, and I\’m going to talk about you in such glowing terms that an unbiased observer would think you were being considered for sainthood.

: We hate Bush. He\’s Hitler. We should withdraw from Iraq. It\’s a quagmire. I really have nothing to add to these preceedings except that I think Bush sucks…and I am know for a fact that 86 trillion Americans agree with me. Plus 104% of Iraqis worship me as a god.

Oh and despite whatever answers you give, I will loudly proclaim to the press that you are going to overturn Roe vs Wade. I will also claim you hate all minorities. And I will start rumors that you have a third nipple.

Day Two – Q&A

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Get In My Belly!!

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Kennedy, don\’t eat the applicant again!!

Ok…now down to business. Sam….can I call you Sam? Sure I can. I\’m a senator. Admit it, you hate women right?

Judge Samuel Alito : Did I introduce my wife yet?

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : You talk when I tell you to!!

Now…what I meant by that is that you hate abortion, right? Even though it\’s been upheld by judicial precedent for 865,486 years?

Judge Samuel Alito : Precedent is good, m\’kay? Especially super-duper precedent. Which is almost as good as Supercalifragalist Icexpialidocious precedent.

[Sen Specter blinks alot]

Judge Samuel Alito : Ok…

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Well you once said that there was no basis for a right to abortion in the Constitution, which is a piece of paper which I think we still use sometimes.

Judge Samuel Alito : See, when I said that I was an advocate. I was hired to do a job and I was doing that job and that statement was part of doing that job. I reflected the wishes of my client.

It\’s kind of like how politics is supposed to work. The public votes you in, and expects you to legislate according to their best interest. They are your client. You work for them.

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Don\’t try to confuse me with technical legal stuff!!!

\”Super-hero\” Aquaman : Heh guys, seen any fish I can talk to?? No? Ok I\’ll be on my way

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Get In My Belly!!

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : Can I ask a question?

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : No, but you can spout partisan rhetoric that has no relevance to this confirmation hearing.

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : As we all know, it\’s a fact that Bush is a tyrant. And we know he has personally intercepted every single phone call made by US citizens. He\’s also personally read every piece of mail anyone has EVER sent. It\’s true….Howard Dean told me so. Which means…

Judge Samuel Alito : Excuse me….um, sorry, where you going to ask a question, otherwise I\’m gonna grab a Fresca.

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : Oh yeah…um, well, do you think it\’s okay that Bush is an evil spying bastard??

Judge Samuel Alito : Um, no…he has to follow the Fifth Amendment and statutes and….

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : What do statues have to do with this??

Judge Samuel Alito : No statutes…you know…laws and stuff? Weren\’t you a lawyer??

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : I\’m asking the questions here!!

So…you agree that Bush can\’t do what he\’s doing???

Judge Samuel Alito : No, I\’m saying he has to follow the law

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : So you admit he\’s broken every law we have, including gravity!

Judge Samuel Alito : No….I….dammit, pay attention

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : I don\’t have to pay attention to anything!! I\’m a U.S. Senator!

Judge Samuel Alito : Ok fine, look I\’ll probably have to rule on this. So….no comment

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Is it lunch time yet?

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Um, no…I think it\’s your turn actually. The chair recognizes the gravitational field from Massachusetts.

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Oh…yeah. Can someone get me a fresh drink as long as I\’m stuck here?

OK Mr Alota…

Judge Samuel Alito : Alito

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Right…that\’s what I said, Aliwicious

Judge Samuel Alito : Just call me Sam

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Ok Steve…I think you suck. You\’re horrible. You think the White House is like the executive branch or something.

Judge Samuel Alito : Actually….

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Shutup Scott! We all know that judicial activism is where the real power is! Now you said \”A judge can\’t have any agenda, a judge can\’t have any preferred outcome in any particular case, and a judge certainly doesn\’t have a client … the judge\’s sole obligation is to the rule of law\”.

Clearly you have no idea what it means to be a judge. It means you are supposed to legislate from the bench. If I can\’t get my crackpot ideas passed into law here, you make them law on the bench.

Judge Samuel Alito : Actually…

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Jennifer, you interrupt me one more time and I will eat you, so help me God

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Can someone put Teddy\’s Hannibal Lector mask back on??

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : I Am A Kennedy! Hear Me Roar! ….heh, the clock is broken!!

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : So it is…can someone get us a new clock?

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Get In My Belly!!

[Sen. Kennedy eats the timer]

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Ok….uh, Hatch, you wanna yell at him for awhile?

Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-UT : Judge Alito, just to clarify, you are a living god right?

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Um….not so much, no

Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-UT : Ok…well, I gotta fill 30 minutes so…you like softball??

[ 30 minutes of softball commences ]

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Very interesting, especially the part about how you explained the meaning of life.

Grassley, your up!

Sen. Charles E. Grassley, R-IA : What is the airborne velocity of an unladen swallow?

Judge Samuel Alito : European or African?

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : HEH!!! That\’s racist!!!

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Swallows are yummy

Sen. Charles E. Grassley, R-IA : Any man that can differentiate between two species of swallow, is clearly qualified to be a Supreme Court judge.

I say the defendent should be cleared of all charges.

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Um, this is a confirmation hearing, not a trial.

Sen. Charles E. Grassley, R-IA : Oh right…play ball.

[ 30 minutes of softball commences ]

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Ok Junior, your turn

Sen. Joseph R. Biden, Jr., D-DL : Sweet. As we all know, you are the anti-christ

Judge Samuel Alito : HEH!

Sen. Joseph R. Biden, Jr., D-DL : Now I really have no real question for you, but I\’m gonna drone on for 12 solid minutes instead…blah blah blah blah Princeton blah blah blah blah ROTC blah blah blah blah my family blah blah blah blah Republican vs Democrat blah blah blah blah ideology is prime factor blah blah blah blah …

…

…

[ 12 minutes later ]

So what do you think of that?

Judge Samuel Alito : …

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Judge Alito, please wake up

Judge Samuel Alito : Huh?? Oh sorry, can you repeat that?

Sen. Joseph R. Biden, Jr., D-DL : Nevermind

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Johnny boy! Your up

Sen. Jon Kyl, R-AZ : Let\’s be frank. The sun shines out your ass. Truly it does.

Now let\’s get down to the hard stuff. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Judge Samuel Alito : Uh…a Supreme Court Justice?

Sen. Jon Kyl, R-AZ : What a coincidence….I do believe that\’s the exact same position you\’ve been nominated for. Surely fate smiles upon you!

Second question…do you give a shit how foreign countries have ruled on issues?

Judge Samuel Alito : No

Sen. Jon Kyl, R-AZ : I have never heard such a complex thought worded so gracefully. True legal poetry

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Lunch time!

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : YEAH!!!

[ Lunch Recess ]

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : OK, we\’re back. Kyl, it\’s still your turn to ask questions

Sen. Jon Kyl, R-AZ : Oh ok….so Judge Alito, any idea what that was in the burritos at the cafeteria??

Judge Samuel Alito : I dunno, I had the sloppy joes.

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Me Hungry

Sen. Jon Kyl, R-AZ : So….Sam, I understand that you do NOT in fact hate minorities. Is that correct?

Judge Samuel Alito : Are kangaroos a recognized minority?

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : Not yet….damn species-centric conservatives

Judge Samuel Alito : Then no

Sen. Jon Kyl, R-AZ : Wonderful. Now let me read from the Book of Bar, about how great Alito is

[ Reads letter from the Bar Association about how great Alito is ]

Sen. Jon Kyl, R-AZ : Thanks be the word of Bar

Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-UT : Amen!

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Don\’t force your religion on me!!

Sen. Jon Kyl, R-AZ : Didn\’t you guys say it was the gold standard?

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VA : Stop using our word against us!! No fair!!

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Kohl, your turn to scream at him

Sen. Herbert Kohl, D-WI : Don\’t you agree that judges just making up any ol\’ liberal crap they want to is a good thing

Judge Samuel Alito : Make stuff up???

Sen. Herbert Kohl, D-WI : Yeah…I mean isn\’t it great how we were able to just pencil in a constitutional right to contraception??

Judge Samuel Alito : How\’s that?

Sen. Herbert Kohl, D-WI : Well, I think we originally used crayons, but that\’s doesn\’t really matter. Cause I mean now we can pursue the constitutionally right to confiscate all money from the rich and give it to the people that don\’t work for a living. Or the constitutional clause that states businesses aren\’t allowed to make money. Isn\’t that great???

Judge Samuel Alito : You want to what?!

Sen. Herbert Kohl, D-WI : Oh don\’t worry, I don\’t expect you to get it done right away. The end of the year is fine

Judge Samuel Alito : Heh…but you can\’t…

Sen. Herbert Kohl, D-WI : Whatever…so I wanna talk about this Bork guy. I demand you denounce the evil that is Bork!! Denounce him I say! Or be cast into the fiery pits of welfare!

Judge Samuel Alito : Fiery? What pits?! Uh, hello, who are you?

Sen. Herbert Kohl, D-WI : Heretic!! Witch!! Throw him into the pond

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Oh!! I\’m good at that!!

Judge Samuel Alito : Heh! Put me down!!

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Ted, put down the nominee

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : But he turned me into a toad!

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Turn you into one?? You\’ve always looked that way!

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Touche

Sen. Herbert Kohl, D-WI : If I may continue the inquisition?? Right…now what are these \”traditional values\” you believe in.

Judge Samuel Alito : Oh simple stuff. Like being able to raise your family in peace and quiet without fear

Sen. Herbert Kohl, D-WI : Who the hell would want that?!?? How are we supposed to make them dependent on the government if they are self sufficient?!?

Judge Samuel Alito : I believe that\’s the point

Sen. Herbert Kohl, D-WI : You disgust me!

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Sen. DeWine….your up

Sen. Mike DeWine, R-OH : Can I kiss your feet?

Judge Samuel Alito : My feet??

Sen. Mike DeWine, R-OH : Ok, well then at least allow me to call Specter a dumb dumb poopy head

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Heh!!

[ All Senators start chanting \”Fight Fight Fight!\” ]

[ Audience starts shouting \”Jerry Jerry Jerry!\” ]

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Order!! Order!

Sen. Ted \”Chappaquiddick\” Kennedy, D-MA : Oh good, I was getting hungry again

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : No I mean shut up!

Sen. Mike DeWine, R-OH : Wow…that was fun. Judge Alito, why don\’t you call your boss a dumb dumb poopyhead

Judge Samuel Alito : I\’d prefer not to

Sen. Mike DeWine, R-OH : Oh go on!!

Judge Samuel Alito : No.

Sen. Mike DeWine, R-OH : OK fine….Now Alito, should judges be forced to adhere to liberal groupthink

Judge Samuel Alito : Probably not

Sen. Mike DeWine, R-OH : Good boy. Sit

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Sen Feinstein, you got anything you wanna shriek about?

Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-CA : How are going to rule on any case that could possibly come before you?

Judge Samuel Alito : I can\’t tell you that

Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-CA : Do it!

Judge Samuel Alito : But..

Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-CA : No excuses. Tell me!

Judge Samuel Alito : If…

Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-CA : Shut up and tell me!

Judge Samuel Alito : Could…

Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-CA : Dammit you twit, do as I say!

Judge Samuel Alito : No

Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-CA : Wha?! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!! WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Uh, can someone put Dianne down for her nap? Ok Sessions, your turn.

Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-AL : Judge Alito, let me say, you are a caterpillar among insects

Judge Samuel Alito : Uh….what does that mean?

Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-AL : I dunno I was hoping you could tell me. Anyway, I\’m gonna agree with Senator Biden, by saying that you are gonna make the bestest Supreme Court Judge ever!

Sen. Joseph R. Biden, Jr., D-DL : HEH!! I never said that!!!

Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-AL : Sure you did. Chairman, you you read back my last statement?

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Senator Sessions said, \”Anyway, I\’m gonna agree with Senator Biden, by saying that you are gonna make the bestest Supreme Court Judge ever!\”

Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-AL : See! It\’s in the record, it must be true!!

Sen. Joseph R. Biden, Jr., D-DL : Damn you Republicans!! Tricksies! False!! Not Nice!! We wants the precious!!

Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-AL : Now if you could give us an incredibly simplistic explanation of how our justice system works?

Judge Samuel Alito : Sure!

[ 20 minutes of explanation ]

Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-AL : This new learning amazes me

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Ok Russ, he\’s all yours

Sen. Russell D. Feingold, D-WI : I\’m gonna throw out a series of hypothetical situations so bizarre and asinine that you are forced to only answer them one way. And then later in the media I\’m going to use your words against you. Sound good?

Judge Samuel Alito : Well cases like that may come before me as a judge so I can\’t answer them, so take that!!

Sen. Russell D. Feingold, D-WI : Fine I\’ll…

[ Judge Alito puts his fingers in his ears ]

Judge Samuel Alito : LALALALALALALALALALA!!! I CAN\’T HEAR YOU!! I GOT MY FINGERS IN MY EARS!! LALALALALALALALA!!

Sen. Russell D. Feingold, D-WI : Doh!!! Foiled again

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Graham, even though you have the first name of a girl, we\’ll let you question him next.

Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-SC : You mind if I pester you about every single minute detail of the War on Terror and what you think about it?

Judge Samuel Alito : Actually I do.

Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-SC : Crap….well…then I got nothing

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : OK Schumer, if you want to voice vicious lies about Judge Alito, now is the time.

Sen. Charles E. Schumer, D-NY : You once wrote that the Constituation doesn\’t support the right to murder unborn babies. Do you still believe that?

Judge Samuel Alito : When I wrote that I was representing someone who didn\’t believe in murdering unborn babies, so I argued from that viewpoint

Sen. Charles E. Schumer, D-NY : So you admit you are a dirty rotten liar then?

Judge Samuel Alito : No I\’m just saying that at the time I was doing my job and advocating for my client. If as a judge this case came before me I would have to approach the situation differently

Sen. Charles E. Schumer, D-NY : So are you a liar or do you still hold the irrational view that it\’s horrible to murder unborn babies??

Judge Samuel Alito : I would have to look at the situation as a judge if it came before me

Sen. Charles E. Schumer, D-NY : How would you rule?

Judge Samuel Alito : I would have to look at the situation as a judge if it came before me

Sen. Charles E. Schumer, D-NY : How would you rule?

Judge Samuel Alito : I would have to look at the situation as a judge if it came before me

Sen. Charles E. Schumer, D-NY : Dammit, I\’m gonna hold my breath until you tell me!!!

Judge Samuel Alito : Ok

[ Schumer begins to hold breath ]

[ Judge Alito picks at his fingernails ]

[ Schumer passes out ]

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Right then, Corryn, your turn

Sen. John Cornyn, R-TX : When did you stop beating your wife?

Judge Samuel Alito : Right….like I haven\’t heard that one before

Sen. John Cornyn, R-TX : Fine…well then can you give us an incredibly simplistic explanation of the legal system

Judge Samuel Alito : I think I already did that

Sen. John Cornyn, R-TX : Ok fine…then I\’m gonna try to make you look like O\’Connor by drawing three obscure similiarities, completely ignoring the fact that you could probably do the same with anyone.

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Are you done yet?

Sen. John Cornyn, R-TX : Oh….yeah, I guess.

Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA : Ok everyone, so here\’s the plan. Let\’s all laugh at each others jokes for awhile to prove we\’re all decent guys. Then we\’ll go out to the press and pretend this hearing was competent and not a complete waste of taxpayer money.

Until tomorrow.

The End

* Mapes Standard : Named after Mary Mapes, formerly of CBS, famous for saying journalist don\’t have to prove something is true before reporting it. Just as long as it hasn\’t been proven false**.

** For the purposes of this standard, the only acceptable proof for finding something false is a signed written confession by the original author confessing to the fraud. This confession must be accompanied by DNA testing, a note from their doctor, and supporting statements from all relatives of the author, living or otherwise, going back 36 generations.