EckerNet.Com

Comparing your opponent to Nazis. Today it seems to be the standard ploy for some liberals. Of course, as soon as one points that out, other liberals will cry out, “No! It was just a couple fringe extremists. Even conservatives have them”. Yes….that may be true. But we don’t elect ours as our party chairman, and we certainly don’t put them in charge of our campaign websites.

From MDE :

U.S. Rep. John Kline angrily demanded an apology from Democratic challenger Coleen Rowley on Monday for a doctored photo of him on her campaign Web site that depicted him as the Nazi soldier Col. Klink from the TV series “Hogan’s Heroes.”

[...]

“It wasn’t the intention of the campaign to make John Kline look like a Nazi,” Elcock said. He said it was done by “young volunteers who maintain our Web site who didn’t understand the ramifications of putting that picture up,” he said, but added that Rowley took full responsibility for it.

Photo evidence here.

Here’s another thought. If your campaign is attracting the type of people who think this is funny, perhaps you might want to re-evaluate your platform huh? Or is this type of behavior that mainstream now on the left?

I rather suspect it is. I mean you got the head loony in charge of the party….who apparently squandered all the DNC’s money. And then you start taking advice from the Kossacks and you wonder why it completely blows up in your very red face. Then of course, after taking a 5th mortgage on her 15 minutes of fame, Cindy Sheehan wants to be a Senator since hanging out with America-hating socialist is apparently getting boring.

Yup, the inmates appear to have taken over. And with the 2006 elections looming, they couldn’t have picked a better time.

Yeah, the classic meme….a survey. Not only a survey but an absolutely useless one that reveals nothing of importance but fills alot of space that I’d otherwise have to fill with someone quasi-rationale. Well I’ll be damned if I’m gonna participate in something stupid like that.

So…..here are my answers:

Where do you live?
Apple Valley, MN

With whom?
Me, myself, and my dog

What’s your coffeehouse/coffeeshop?
Don’t drink coffee…and if I did it wouldn’t be with the hippies at the coffeehouse.

What’s your Sunday breakfast spot?
Pffft, please. Like I get up in time for breakfast on Sunday.

What sites do you surf for news?
The main news sites (FoxNews, CNN, etc), and then the more reliable news aggregators/blogs (Lucianne, Fark, Instapundit, etc), followed up by some of the big blogs (Michelle Malkin, RightWingNews, Powerline, etc).

What’s the first thing you read in the Strib?
You’re assuming I read it. Which is a bad assumption.

What’s on your morning drive dial?
We’re using a very loose definition of “morning” here, but mostly KQ.

When not in town, where are you?
In the vicinity of Willmar, MN partaking in some sort of vehicular fun (snowmobiling or jetskiing), hunting (deer, pheasant, etc) or relaxing (fishing, drinking, etc).

Who’s your local band/musician?
Um, probably Jabberwocky…

Where do you have season tickets?
MN Wild

What’s your apparel store(s)?
Huh?? I don’t have “apparel”. I’m straight. I’m white. I’m male. I have clothing, and that I get wherever.

Where’s your favorite “go to” place that always seems to have just the right thing?
If they have beer, they have the right thing….better known as “any bar”.

Where do you get take-out?
Chipotle

What’s your bakery?
They still exist?

Where do you mall?
Mall?? As in a verb?? You got 3 seconds before I break your kneecaps.

If we’re talking about mall, the noun. I don’t. I hate crowds, which means I hate malls. Taking me into a mall is asking for trouble….trouble worthy of being the leading story on the 10 o’clock news.

What do you drive?
Chevy Trailblazer….at least until the car companies produce something worth buying.

Where are you on a Friday night?
Lately playing broomball, followed by a couple post game drinks.

Where’s your gallery(s)?
Shooting gallery?? Up near St. Cloud.

Who cuts your hair? Where?
This is a source of some drama in my life right now. Past 5 years it was Harold, who just decided that with being diagnosed with cancer and all, he couldn’t handle the stress of having his own business. He sold it, and the new owner has turned the place into a barber/salon. I don’t go to salons. I go to a barber. Complete with pole out front. Inside should be faded woodwork, beat up chairs, an old style cash register, real barber chairs…and the constant presence of guys sitting around bitching about sports, taxes, politics, etc.

…sigh… I miss my old barber Rich he cut my hair for the first 21 years of my life. Now he’s a bit of a drive (Brooklyn Park). If I’m ever in the area, I always stop by…whether I need a cut or not.

Any suggestions??

What are you really uptight about?
Apparently my barber…

What’s your substance of choice?
What does that mean?? Are we talking illegal substances? Food? Beverage? Huh?

What subjects are you a total geek over?
I’m AM a geek….so everything.

Where do you refuel? (recharge? feed your soul?)
A gas station?? If you want serious answers, ask serious questions. Don’t give me this new age hippie crap. Next time you get a boot to the head.

What’s your date night?
It’s been awhile…

What’s the most you’ve paid for a concert ticket?
Haven’t been to one since…I dunno. Probably around $50?

When you’re at your naughtiest, you…
My lawyers have advised me to not answer this question as it will either get me arrested or yelled at.

What’s your beauty/grooming thing?
What am I? A dog?? I’m out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?

What’s your workout? Where?
Whatever recreational activity is in season, plus walking the dog.

Who (or what’s) the service provider you can’t live without?
I could live without any of them. They’re all over-charging bastards anyway. Unless you count the bar as a service provider….which I do.

What’s your favorite night?
Any night I can’t remember…which means I had a hell of a time.

What’s the next performance you’ll attend?
Performance?? Well, after fast food my friends usually put on quite a “performance”. Does that count?

What’s an arts organization you support?
Does the NRA count?? If not too bad.

What’s your nightcap?
Traditionally, Gin&Tonic. Lately Rum&Coke

Where’s the afterparty?
Where’s the beer?

What’s your favorite restaurant for:
food?
Gastof zur Gemutlichkeit

quality?
Bucas

late night?
Taco Bell

scene?
Gastof zur Gemutlichkeit

impress your date?
Depends on the date

impress your client?
Local steakhouse

Who’s your favorite Twin Citian?
Me

Hear me now - X will be Y in 6 months. . .
Month will be July. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

Of course there is also the Kool Aid Report version:

Other than the Kool Aid Report, what is your fave blog?
Mine

What is the best thing you can say about Willie Clark?
He’s not a communist?

Where do you breakfast?
I don’t breakfast. And I generally don’t eat breakfast.

Where do you dinner?
Why are we making meals into verbs. I eat dinner at home usually.

Where do you afternoon snack?
I’m warning you, no more verbs. Ummmmm, the vending machine?

Other than LearnedFoot, who is the hottest male blogger?
Votes, just came in….it’s me.

Other than Uncle Ben, who is the hottest female blogger?
Wow this question has trouble written all over it. I’ll go with Michelle Malkin and hope this doesn’t get me castrated by the MAWB Squad…or what’s left of them.

Wi-fi, cable modem or dialup?
Wi-Fi

Mitch Berg or JB Doubtless?
I’m still not convinced JB actually exists. But I can’t side with the inner-city guy either.

Why are you so damn ugly?
Studies have been inconclusive.

Where do you beer?
Where don’t I?

Arsenal or Everton?
Not entirely certain what this means, but Arsenal makes me think of guns, so I’ll go with them.

Where do you news?
You turn one more noun into a verb, and I’m gonna go knee-capping.

Why don’t you work out? (You really need to.)
The usual BS

What’s an arts organization that you’ve never heard of?
All of them.

Dude, do you, like, totally party?
Dude, like totally, dude. Gnarly.

Where is your favorite place to stand in line for a free burrito?
Mmmmmmmm, burrito. Sorry, what?

Hear me now - whenever I see someone inventing a new meme, it makes me want to X that person in the Y.
Smash that person in the knee caps.

I had an itnresnig cnovreasotin yseertady auobt how the hmaun biran lokos olny at the frist and lsat ltetres of a wrod in odrer to fgirue a wrod out….. as lnog as the fsrit and lsat ltetres are in the rgiht palce, you can srcmalbe ervey lteter ibnweten and the barin wlil fgirue it out… itnertsnig huh?

Seriously, I should be a prophet…assuming it pays well, of course. Why you ask? Well so far I’m a freaking genius.

At the beginning of the year I made my 2006 predictions. Well we are only a month into 2006 and already a couple big ones came true. Allow me to gloat.

Google will finally make something causing people everywhere not to say “Oh my God, that’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen!!!”. At the moment the score is about Infinity-1 to 0. Seriously…they’re about due for a flop.

Considering the backlash they are seeing regarding their bending over to communism with their new search engine for Chinese users fits the bill just fine. They haven’t exactly done a good job of damage control. I imagine this is just the start.

Cindy Sheehan attempts to make a comeback. Relevance glances at her, shrugs and wanders off in search of something important.

Making a bid for Senate versus Feinstein, check. Denouncing the US alongside Chavous, check. Thanks Cindy, see ya on Hollywood Squares.

Judge Alito will be confirmed after claims that the sky is falling by Democrats everywhere. The sky will not fall.

Ok give me a couple days for this one to play out. But it’s been partially filled since according to Democrats, Alito is secretely planning on selling us all into slavery.

Yeah, like I said, I’m awesome. Especially considering the following are essentially in the bag as well :

Bush will continue not to take illegal immigration seriously. It will become a major campaign issue in southern border states.

Technically I think this one has already happened, but I’ll wait until we’re closer to election time to claim victory.

Troop levels in Iraq are dramtically scaled down. Democrats will proclaim victory….and credit. Soldiers will look on in stunned silence.

Troop levels down 20%. Just waiting for the Democrats to take credit.

Bin Laden will still not be found and will slip further into irrelevance. Democrats will skillfully declare it as a failure of the Bush administration will simultaneously doing everything the can to hinder the War on Terror.

I think that last tape was a good step towards irrelevance. Just gotta wait out the year for him not to be found. Democrats have already done their part.

Howard Dean gets on another frenzied spittle inducing rant proclaiming the absolutely absurd, and completely offensive to reality based people. Democrats everywhere will refuse to condemn his statement as they laugh in a “That’s Our Dean” kind of way.

Actually I think this has already happened but it wasn’t quite as memorable as some of his other ones. I’m not wasting this one. I’ll wait for a good one.

Like I said. Apparently I’m a genius. Bow before me. Anyone know what being a prophet pays?? Do I get groupies? Or at least free beer?

Yesterday, while speaking to a college audience made the following comment:

“We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens’ creme brulee,” Coulter said. “That’s just a joke, for you in the media.”

I don’t care if it was a joke. It wasn’t funny, it was out of line and she should apologize immediatly. Just like Rhandi Rhodes pretending to assasinate the President wasn’t funny, neither is this.

Shame on you Coulter. Make comments like this and you are no better than Michael Moore.

The wonders of modern technology have not passed the blogosphere by. Super-smart people have developed all sorts of ways for websites to record all kinds of information and statistics about their visitors. Today, a new milestone was reached, allowing the intelligence of visitors to be recorded.

Here I present yours on a chronological scale :

Damn…sorry about that. My bad.

Most of you have already read about my efforts to actually get my Masters degree. Yeah, the one I completed in Spring 2004. Unfortunately, due to an amazing display of red tape and sheer stupidity, they were able to put off actually granting me that degree. You can read about the hailarity here and here.

However, due to my super-human persistence and extraordinary sarcasm in the face of complete morons, the university has finally surrendered to EckerNet and granted me my Masters degree. Yeah me!!

I’m gradumatated. Screw you U of M.

Now I just got to wait 3 months for their uber-slow printer to actually print the piece of paper. Sweet, I can’t wait.

Good luck I didn’t decide to continue on for my PhD, they might not have it ready for display at my funeral.

A fellow co-worker of mine (names changed) received the following call from his bank recently:

Bank : Hello, is this John?

John : Yes.

Bank : Yes this is ABC Bank. We were running an annual check of our accounts, and it turns out that since you’ve been reported as dead, we have to flag your account as a possible fraudulent account.

John : I’m what??

Bank : Dead, sir.

John : Huh?

Bank : Are you feeling okay sir?? You shouldn’t try to talk so much in your condition.

Ok…so I paraphrased it.

Turns out all three credit agencies had John listed as deceased. Hence, when the bank ran a credit check, they discovered he was just faking the whole walking around not rotting thing. Always knew there was something funny going on.

Once he established that he’d still have to pay taxes even though he was “dead”, he sought to play God and create life….his own. At this point two of the credit agencies have agreed he is a little too fresh to be considered worm food.

Now who exactly has the power to declare you dead without producing a corpse or a death certificate is what I want to know. After all….this would make for an awesome practical joke.

Ok awhile back I offered some advice on attending a job fair. I was recruiting at another today and I noticed a number of negative trends, so I thought I’d offer some more advice.

11) I covered handshakes in #6, but I got some more. Men, a firm shake is sufficient. This is NOT a contest to see how hard you can squeeze my hand. Women, in any other situation the shy handshake might be cute. In this situation, not so much.

12) While we’re on the topic of handshakes, when the handshake is over, let go of my hand. Seriously. Otherwise you’re just being creepy.

13) Resume. At least 90% don’t actually need a second page for your resume. No, you are NOT one of the 10%. But if you do think you need a second page, at least attach them together somehow. Otherwise they WILL get seperated, and more than likely I’ll just think you have a really poorly written resume.

14) Most questions you will be asked should not just be answered with “yes” or “no”. Remember, you are expected to occasionally talk.

15) Breath mints should be standard issue.

16) I understand that “I have always been really interested in working for [insert my companys name here]” is a standard opening line for most students. And even if it’s isn’t true, for the most part, I don’t care that they use it. But when you use it after you’ve already walked right past our booth at least three seperate times it’s rather insulting to my intelligence.

17) The fact that you are not a US citizen is not my fault, nor is it my problem. While I agree that it does make things difficult for you, I also realize it’s well within your ability to change. Physician, heal thyself.

That’s all…until the next one.

This might solve the problem with committment that some men appear to have :

University of Florida employees have to pledge that they’re having sex with their domestic partners before qualifying for benefits under a new health care plan at the university.

“Honey, not tonite…I have a headache.”
“Well we’ll never be able to get it checked out if we don’t.”

Actually the puns pretty much write themselves. Enjoy.