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Saddam Tortured, World Unconcerned

December 21st, 2005 by Kevin

NEWS FLASH : Pot calls kettle black, then invokes the race card.

Saddam Hussein again grabbed center stage at his mass murder trial Wednesday with claims that Americans beat and \”tortured\” him and other defendants while in detention.

The deposed leader\’s lengthy complaint came after witnesses graphically described how their captors administered electric shocks and used molten plastic to rip the skin off prisoners in a crackdown following an assassination attempt against Saddam in 1982.

A U.S. military spokesman in Baghdad called Saddam\’s allegations \”completely unfounded\” but said \”we are prepared to investigate.\”

Considering the circumstances, you gotta wonder what Saddam considers torture. Especially torture to the extent that he can compare himself to someone that had their skin ripped off.

Well because this is EckerNet you don\’t need to wonder any longer. I put my crack research staff to work. It took a few illegal wiretaps and the outing of one or two secret agents, but we got what we wanted. Here from the files of a Baghdad prison are the alleged torture techniques that Saddam has been exposed to:

During a prison game of Twister, \”left hand green\” was called.

Forced to spend an entire day without raping or killing anyone.

Was not told to expect the Spanish Inquisition

Forced to use a non-solid gold toilet

Death Squads have been replaced with Candy Stripers (not strippers you pervert!)

Forced to endure the \”Comfy Chair\”

72 virgins awaiting him in heaven are only getting older

Well let that be a lesson to you. If you ever have a chance to become a deranged homicidal dictator, you might want to pass if you can\’t stomach the above torture methods.

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Posted in Iraq | 3 Comments »

3 Responses

  1. drunkguy Says:

    If they were candy strippers, i’d become a deranged homicidal dictator, but since they aren’t I’ll just stick to being a deranged homicidal follower…

  2. Surly Dave Says:

    Now if that England gal was there, they might have had to play naked twister. That would have been bad.

  3. Night Writer Says:

    Headline: Saddam tortured, world outraged by not being able to watch.

    In other news, Saddam is reportedly abandoning his plans to write children’s books aimed at steering kids away from a life of megalomaniacal tyranny since it didn’t work for Tookie Wilson.