EckerNet.Com

The NightWriter has begun an excellent preliminary investigation into the crash of the EckerNet server. His round up of suspects is indeed an impressive and suspiscious bunch. All of them worthy of jail time regardless….well, except for the Mall Diva, who is probably more \”jail bait\” than worthy of jail time herself. But I digress (and have probably pissed off my chief investigator NightWriter by now).

As you well know EckerNet has an extensive staff of writers who plug away night and day. I merely pick the most pointless and mediocre pieces for publication. Since EckerNet was down, I instead assigned those same writers to conduct our own biasedcompletely independent conservative hacknon-partisan investigation.

While we commend the fine work done by the NightWriter, and believe he is on the right track, he must present some of our findings regarding his investigation.

MN Publius

They already hacked one site. They claimed to have learned their lesson. But did they? I removed them from my blogroll following that incident, so they do have motive….because we all know how much traffic EckerNet commands. Their previous sabotage was simply hacking in via the login. This most recent sabotage would have required them to physically punt the RAID into a vat of boiling (and electrified) acid. Impressive. We have clearly over-estimated our young saboteurs across the aisle.

A stray shot from the Mall Diva\’s Desert Eagle, that Kevin insisted she have.

The Mall Diva did in fact shoot at Kevin inside EckerNet HQ…however, it was only because Kevin got her drunk and then tried to take her margarita away. In retrospect, I should have taken her Desert Eagle rather than her drink.

Fortunately, since the Mall Diva doesn\’t possess the body mass required to compensate for the recoil of a Desert Eagle, her shot wasn\’t that accurate and she only nicked the corner of the liquor cabinet…NOT the server. No harm done.

The rest of the alcohol was consumed as a precautionary measure.

Cathy in the Wright turned the Governor loose in the nerve center, or hit it herself with a snow plow.

Cathy\’s spawn, the \”Gov\”, and I get along…mostly because we have the same maturity level. So it is unlikely that he was the problem.

Regarding Cathy, the EckerNet HQ is surrounded by wide open space. So without buildings and trees to careen off of, she would be unable to navigate the plow all the way to HQ.

While Cathy is a prime suspect, and has surplus motive, we cannot currently indict her….unless we can get the names and addresses of the jury that indicted Tom DeLay.

Dementee, forced to withdraw from the MOB mayoral election, is working his way through Doug\’s cabinet (or else he just wanted to be Master of the Hunt.)

Dementee did in fact try to take out EckerNet. However, I merely mentioned that Greenpeace was holding a tofu rally at the local community diversity center and he took off with murder in his eyes. Once I cleaned up the drool, everything was good as new.

However, should Dementee be motivated by political aspirations, I would like to point out that since I had my conscience shot, and I suffer from deficiency of moral fiber, I can be easily bribed. I accept payment in the form of beer, firearms or cash (in unmarked non-sequential bills).

IMAO wants his schtick back.

Yes, now that he got married to the lovely Sarahk, Frank J has been domesticated. He envies me certainly, but is he jealous enough to take out my site?? We may need to subpoena the entire IMAO staff.

Jesse Ventura, after hearing that Kevin used his \”action figure\” for target practice.

Ever since EckerNet was labeled \”more accurate than the mainstream media\” I\’ve expected an attack by Jesse \”The Ego\” Ventura. However, this is too rational for him to have done it. I mean if someone had filled the harddrive with egg yolk and attached it to a ostrich with Seran Wrap, then yeah….he\’d be my first suspect.

Prairie Dogs (similar reason as Jesse \”the Target\” Ventura).

The Prairie Dogs have already made their intentions clear. They shot back at us once already. And a varmint will never quit – ever. They\’re like the Viet Cong – Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. On that note, all I want for Christmas is a .50 cal mounted in my front window.

Clearly more investigation is needed. I demand that the MOB mayor appoint an independent investigator to look into the incident. If you ask me, my chief suspect is those sneaky Fraters. They\’ve been jealous of me for years.