EckerNet.Com

This is why I love the blogosphere.

You got people keeping score of how many people have died from Light Rail vs those shot by Concealed Permit carriers.

And you got people watching to see when the dreaded draft happens that the Democrats warned us about.

Would we see any of this in the MSM? Nope, the people that know stuff leave that to the people in pajamas.

First it was judicial nominations. Now it’s Bolton.

By the way…can anyone else hear that name WITHOUT immediatly thinking of the Michael Bolton character from Office Space??

Anyway…back to the topic. Democrats are holding up his nominatin now for….well, hell if anyone can figure out why. Oh sure they claim they have proof that he is unfit for the job. And from what I heard that proof consists of an email from a Democratic activist and a rumor that he might have yelled at an employee for being a slacker once.

Hell….if that were enough proof in any other field, we’d all be out of a job. But apparently it’s enough for Democrats.

But you know what really pisses me off?? For once it’s not the Democrats. It’s the Republicans!

News Flash: You are the majority! The voters have repeatedly given you more and more power every fucking election and what have you done?? Cowered like little whiny bitches. Claiming you don’t have the votes. Or you don’t want to offend people. Jesus people, welcome to adulthood…put down your blankies and get your ass in your seats and vote on something.

Delays. Comprimises. Negotiations. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah.

I’m sick of it. You want a compromise? Here is your compromise. Tell the Democrats they can have one of following options:
1) Confirm Bolton so we can at least make an attempt at reforming the UN into something more useful than tits on a bull.
2) The US withdraws from the UN.

That’s right. WITHDRAWS. No more US propping them up. No more US troops enforcing their rules for them. No more platform to denounce us at every turn. No more US tax dollars paying for the whole fucking thing.

I’m sick of the UN and I’m sick of the Republicans being wimps. At least this proposal shows you got a spine. Or at least borrowed one.

Oh and yes Ken Mehlman and the RNC, I have been getting your letters. I’m glad you are grateful for my past contributions. But you see I thought you knew how currency worked. I give it to someone else, in exchange for something. In this case, I gave you currency so that Republicans would in turn stand up for the principles I share with them. At this point I’d settle for them at least standing up. Until that time, my checkbook is closed to you. Yes, fuck you too.

Given that I will be turning the ripe “old” age of 26 this June, this was rather depressing:

One hundred years ago, a patent clerk in Switzerland developed the theory of relativity and a lot of other stuff most of us don’t understand but try really hard to appreciate. Rightly so, much is being made of Albert Einstein’s “miracle year” centennial, but the biggest miracle of all may be that this stroke of brilliance came to him when he was just 26.

Of course they couldn’t leave well enough alone with that. Nevermind that Einstein had already created entire fields of science by my age. But pretty much every famous person did a lot by this age. Hell, even Al Capone…who was the crime lord of Chicago by 26.

*sigh*

However, on the plus side, I think I am far below the median age of the M.O.B….so I have that going for me, which is nice.

Which File Extension are You?

So I have a rather bad habit at work…Reese’s Pieces. It’s my own personal addiction. If I don’t have my Reese’s Pieces, it’s all over. Which is were a membership to Sam’s Club comes in really nice. BULK. Now I eat them every day, 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year, etc. Over time it’s impossibly not to develop a few curiosities about things. So for the past couple months, while at work, I have seized upon the oppurtunity to conduct an exhaustive Official EckerNet Study on Reese’s Pieces. And I must say…the lab results were delicious. * So far here are the results of my study:

• Research has shown that in typical bag of Reese’s there are 31% more orange colored Reese’s Pieces than any other color. There are 8.5% more brown than yellow. And the brown colored Reese’s are 93% more likely to suffer from discoloration. **
• There are an average of 60 Pieces in each bag of Reese’s. This translates into 3 total calories per piece, including 1.6 calories from fat. Plus 183 mg of Total Fat per Piece. As well as 1.3 mg of Sodium, 433 mg of Carbohydrates but 83 mg of Protein and 0 mg of Cholesterol (Yeah for healthy!).
• Despite indications otherwise on the list of ingredients, I definitely taste more Dextrose than Reduced Minerals Whey in the candy. EckerNet requests that these two ingredients be swapped.
• The Toll-Free Weekdays Hotline for Reese’s Pieces Candy is not entertaining.
• Nor do the people there have any sense of humor.
• Claim of “Peanut Butter Candy In A Crunchy Shell” is misleading. Should read “Unholy Sugary Addiction In A Not-Quite-Crunchy-Yet-Crisp Shell”.
• When taking a drink of Mountain Dew with a mouthful of partially chewed Reese’s Pieces, the resulting sugary combination has a half life of 76 years.
• An experiment to determine the effect of submersion on a Reese’s Piece was interrupted by the fact that the experiment looked pretty disgusting after a couple minutes and had to be terminated so that I could continue to enjoy their sugary goodness.
• The human body can withstand 250 Reese’s Pieces on average before kidney functions are affected.
• Reese’s Pieces are named after Arthur Reese, who was a leading figure in the Candy Revolution of 1932, in which he led the forces of Glucose against the Jolly Green Giant. Sadly, he was smashed to tiny pieces by a falling barrel of corn syrup shortly before the cessation of hostilities.
• If Reese’s Pieces were a tree, it would be an Elm.
• E.T. was a tramp who whored himself out for these sugary snacks.
• If you want a bag, stop by my desk at work and open the second drawer on the left side of my desk and slide my company phone directory back to reveal my stash.
• Warning: Do not open the 1st or 3rd drawer. This puts me in compliance with a standing court order. Further study is necessary, due largely to the fact that I get hungry in the afternoon.

* If my employer is reading this I bet you can’t guess what charge number this study was applied towards!
** Figures are accurate made-up with a margin of error of 0.2% 110%.

Ogre has a really neat tracking of the “If I were a…” meme challenge that blasted around lately…including my responses.

[Hat Tip : Harvey]

Kathy and Noodles whine ALOT.

And rather mean-spirited they are. I mean I’m just keeping them involved in the Blogosphere….right Harvey?!?

I have no idea what they are feeding Sisyphus over at Nihilist in Golf Pants but they should order more.

He’s gone and wrote like 50 posts about Carter, since this is the anniversary of the attack by the giant bunny rabbit in the swamp…which I understand is just down the block from the Castle Aaaaaaaaaaagghhhh.

Anyway, you gotta go read ‘em all. Halarious doesn’t describe it.

I’d like to make a request to the Nihilist. Please chain Sisyphus to his keyboard.

My favorites have to be this song…and how others would have handled the situation.

Wow…I show Harvey public appreciation and he does this…forces me to partake in a silly meme. Granted part of my appreciation was for keeping me involved against my will, but this is ridiculous. Ok…let’s get this over with.

Here are the rules:

Immediately following there is a list of 20 different occupations. You must select at least 5 of them (feel free to select more). You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select 5 of the items as it was passed to you). Each one begins with “If I could be…” Of the 5 you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession.

For example, if the selected occupation was “linguist,” you might take the phrase “If I could be a linguist…I would learn Hebrew, Greek, Russian, Italian and Chinese.” See how easy that is? Here’s the list:

If I could be a scientist…
If I could be a farmer…
If I could be a musician…
If I could be a doctor…
If I could be a painter…
If I could be a gardener…
If I could be a missionary…
If I could be a chef…
If I could be an architect…
If I could be a linguist…
If I could be a psychologist…
If I could be a librarian…
If I could be an athlete…
If I could be a lawyer…
If I could be an innkeeper…
If I could be a professor…
If I could be a writer…
If I could be a llama-rider…
If I could be a bonnie pirate…
If I could be an astronaut…

And here are my responses

If I could be a scientist…I’d create a race of rabid flying wombats, which I’d use to take over the world.
If I could be a farmer … I’d live in a dell and the cheese would stand alone.
If I could be a musician… one word, “groupies”
If I could be a doctor … the “Dammit Jim I’m a doctor, not a …” line would be a lot more funny
If I could be a painter … I would quit.
If I could be a gardener… presumably I’d know the difference between a flower and a weed, and my garden might look a lot better.
If I could be a missionary … I would be a boring sexual position
If I could be a chef … I would probably still cook steak a lot but it might taste even better.
If I could be an architect … the Death Star would be my first project, then I’d move onto larger projects.
If I could be a linguist … I would help President Bush pronounce words correctly.
If I could be a psychologist … I would find a way to define liberalism as a mental condition.
If I could be a librarian … I would replace the Dewey Decimal System with the Ecker Hexadecimal System for Non-Fiction and the Ecker Octal System for Fiction.
If I could be an athlete … restart the NHL by beating Bettman and Goodnenow to death with a puck. And then I’d brutally check that whiny bitch Mario Lemiuex into the boards.
If I could be a lawyer … I would probably find a way to use the line “You can’t handle the truth” in every case.
If I could be an innkeeper … I would repeatedly tell a story about how “Jesus walked into my Inn and handed me three nails and asked if I could put him up for the night”. Ok…it was funnier in The Crow.
If I could be a professor … I would implement a Grade Welfare System by taking grade points from smart kids and giving em to dumb kids. So that by the time they graduate all my students would be rabid opponents of a welfare state.
If I could be a writer… the writing on my blog would be much much better
If I could be a llama-rider… people would make fun of me…more than usual I mean.
If I could be a bonnie pirate… mmmmm, rum
If I could be an astronaut… [insert joke about Uranus here]

Now I get to torture three others…YEAH!

To round out the Public Appreciation post, I call out Doug of Bogus Gold

And because she was so heart broken for not being in my Public Appreciation post, I call out Cathy of Cathy in the Wright (or her evil twin St. Kate of the MAWB Squad)

And finally, I call out Noodles of People’s Republic of Minnesota simply because I’m curious about what he does with it.

Well now that you mention it…she is just fine.

New event today: The neighbors stopped by to visit….the dog, not me. I can’t really blame them to be honest.